The waiting game…

29 Sep

Time…time…what else can I say.  We have to measure time by something…minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, etc…but I really think we are all slaves to clocks, watches and calendars.  Let me explain my thinking this way…

 

When we are trying to conceive a baby it's measured in days and temperature. You take your temperature every morning hoping for a little change…sometimes not even .02 of a degree…and cycle days, CD 1 is when Flo shows…ovulation day if you're lucky is CD 14…then we go to days past ovulation or DPO…the magic number of DPO's is 14…ooooh, then you can pee on a stick.  If you've succeeded then YIPEEEEEE…time starts all over for you but in weeks now.  "How far along are you?", "I'm 12 weeks". The people who haven't been pregnant recently will then ask, "OK, but how many MONTHS is that?”  I think people forget that pregnancy is REALLY 10 months, not the 9 months that they teach you in high school health class.  It's a joke really, the trick you into thinking that pregnancy is 9 months and somehow sneak an extra month in there.  Then you get closer to that magical time of your due date, you get anxious and every week you go to the doctor they check you then you're hoping for 10 and 100%.  You finally get to that point and then you push for 10 seconds (if you can make it that long!).  Baby is out and then you care about pounds, ounces and inches for length, if you're anal like I am then you also long to hear those Apgar numbers.  Take the bundle of joy home in the next day or two and then you care about ounces again…and hours; "when was the last feeding", "how much did the baby eat", "how many poopie/wet diapies did the little one have", etc. Complete strangers will then ask you, "awwww, how old is he/she?”  Again, back to months, and you will count your child’s age in months until you can't think off the top of your head what 4 x 12 is to figure out that your 4 year old child is 48 months. The math becomes too hard at that point and you then finally resort to years.  When they get older 1/2's and 3/4's come into play…trying to eeeeek out just a bit more time before their birthday.  Then when your beloved child gets older (I'm hoping age 33 for Kenna) they too will start caring about the mundane little numbers of life.

 

So you see…time is very important to us.  Time dulls some pain, physical and mental.  A while after having a child you forget how horrible that pain really is, even with an epidural.  You forget that it feels like your hoo hoo will split in half and spew forth a child from your "portal" (which is also a drink holder in my family!).  My cousin so eloquently put it that "she needed to take a big shit of life".  But when you hold the baby and that baby coos at you and smiles at you, you forget that hurt and you stupidly want to do it again.  Time also dulls that mental pain of losing a child.  You will never forget the child, you will never "get over" losing the child, but somehow it starts to hurt less.  You still cry for the child, you still long for the child and you still feel empty, but it's not the hurt-so-bad-that-you-can't-breathe pain, it's not the hurt-so-bad-you-can't-see-the-light-anymore pain.  It's different.  It doesn't mean you don't love the child less now nor does it mean that you're ok with them being in heaven, it just means that time has lessened the pain, and that my dear friends is OK!  That means you can finally look on the time you had with said child and smile. Even if you lost the child during pregnancy or when she was a high-schooler, you can remember the little things about them and smile and laugh.

 

Even though we are ruled by time, I guess it is still my friend.

 

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2 Responses to “The waiting game…”

  1. Mom On The Run September 29, 2006 at 7:49 pm #

    Wow, very well put. Time can heal pain – yet at the same time it can cause pain. Great writing.

  2. Yvette Ivy October 1, 2006 at 6:39 pm #

    You are so brave.

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