The “pain” of friendship

7 Aug

I have a friend.  Yes, I, have a friend.  Anyway…we've been dear friends since high school.  Poor girl was "the new girl" shortly after I carried that horrific name as well.  I knew where she was coming from, I knew we would become friends and we did!  We did some of the usual fun stuff together; going to a nearby town to go shopping, draggin' Main, jammin' to music in her old car (and I say old in a nice way, not old like beat up, but old like almost antique, it rocked!), getting way too shit faced during one New Years (we were underage).  After high school, we were still friends.  We did some of the usual fun college stuff together too; living together for a bit, working together at the grocery store and I'm sure we drank too!

Along the way we grew up and parted ways, all my fault.  I suck at keeping phone numbers.  She would track me down and we'd gab. I'd hang up smiling wondering why the hell I misplaced her number and reminding myself that I needed to call more often.

After a bit she moved to Oklahoma, I was married had a few angel babies and finally Kenna came.  She too got preggers and had TWINS 2 1/2-ish years ago.  It was amazing to me that she'd do the whole pregnancy thing, I forgot to add that she only has one kidney and has had all kinds of health issues.  But here she was, pregnant with a boy and a girl.  I saw them a few times and thought to myself only Melissa would have two gorgeous curly headed babies.  Ashton and Zeaui; A to Z; Alpha to Omega; beginning to end.

In July I got a few calls from her and her mother.  I was worried because they left messages on my cell, I never turn the damn thing on and when I finally did one day I had 3 or 4 messages where I could tell they tried to be calm. It's never a good thing when your friends MOTHER calls you, KWIM?

I thought maybe she's sick, maybe a baby is sick, but I'm sure all is well.  I called her back ASAP.  All wasn't well.  Zeaui had passed away on July 3rd.  My heart sank, I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't NOT cry.  I didn't even talk to her while on the phone.  I said something stupid and listened to her for a few moments then told her I'd call her later 'cause I had to go. I couldn't talk to my friend.

This is where my pain comes in…I didn't know what to say to her.  You may think that's no big deal, but if I can't come up with something to say who the fuck can?  I'v been through losses of babies; no I didn't know any of my babies for 2 1/2 years, that was the difference. I couldn't say it would be ok; it won't.  I couldn't say I understood; I don't entirely.  I couldn't say ANYTHING.  Do you know what type of pain that entails?  I've been the one that she would come to, during high school and early college, and I like to think that I helped her then.  I like to think that I'm good at letting someone talk and maybe throwing out a few words of wisdom; this time there were none.

I called Vette and bawled…sobbed…hiccupped…I called Mom and bawled…sobbed…hiccupped…I called Sis and bawled…sobbed…hiccupped.  I didn't sleep for a few days and was nauseated. I finally emailed her exactly what I was feeling, making me feel better but hoping it would make her feel better too, knowing she's not alone!

Please, please say a little prayer for her, her husband and her son. Let her know she's not alone, that people WILL remember Zeaui and smile when we see a picture of her or hear stories about her. Please let her know that people say stupid things (even friends).  And please let her know that it won't be OK, but it will get better, eventually.




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6 Responses to “The “pain” of friendship”

  1. karen August 6, 2007 at 11:53 pm #

    You can't let her go this time, Mel. You're the one she runs to, the one she reaches out for. And while you don't understand what is completely impossible to understand, the loss of a precious baby, you are one of the few who can come close to feeling her pain. Don't worry about finding the right words. Words don't fix anything anyway. Just be there. That's all that matters.
    I am weeping for you both.
    I'm going to go upstairs now and kiss my children.
    Big hugs.

  2. I-Luv-Eeyore August 7, 2007 at 7:10 am #

    Mel, sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Just be there for her. Let her lead the discussions about Zeaui, let her cry if she needs to, let her be angry if she needs to. Let her know that you are a safe place for her to fall back to.
    She feels as if all has abandoned her. Do not make that feeling a reality. Call her! Write her, email her… She feels guilty, don't let her wallow in it. Just be there for her.
    Losing a child is the worst thing a person can go through. Don't let her go through it alone. Be honest with her, tell her you don't know what to say, but you want to be there for her. That will help in many ways.
    ((((Hugs)))) to both of you.

  3. MelPate August 7, 2007 at 8:25 am #

    Thank you both for such wonderful words. That really means alot to me!

  4. hydrogeek August 7, 2007 at 1:21 pm #

    Oh lordy. I am crying at work. And you know this Mel, but I'll say it anyway, sometimes there is nothing you can say. Nothing at all. Do I know this person? There is no identifying things on the blog…

  5. MelPate August 7, 2007 at 1:38 pm #

    It's Melissa, she's from Shit-rock, originally from NM. She has curly curly hair…hmmmmmmmmmmmmm…if that doesn't help, I'll email you a pic of her…she has a myspace too.

  6. Brandi August 10, 2007 at 4:10 pm #

    I know exactly what you are going through w/lack of words to say and not knowing what to do in such a difficult tragic time……I found out about Melissa from my aunt who is friends w/Treva…..I immediately got in touch w/my friend who lost her little boy last Oct. in a tragic drowning accident……I'm not sure if she has corresponded w/Melissa or not I just thought that even though they may not know each other they have a common event that maybe they could express to each other and both would know exactly how the other felt……I would sit for hours just listening to their heartache and pain and I would cry w/them…..No words will make it better but knowing someone loves you enough to listen helps…..I told her I was afraid to say much b/c I didn't want to say something stupid and hurt her or make it worse and she told me, Brandi there is nothing you can say or do that will cause any more pain than I already feel so that helped me to be more open…..I too lost my first baby but I still know it is so different than what Melissa is going through……..I will pray for you to be the friend you need to be and give you peace to talk and do whatever it is you need to to help this family……I continue to lift Melissa, Mark, Ashton, Treva, and all fam and friends……A death of a child never seems fair!!!

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