Equal?

28 Sep

When I was pregnant I never worried about loving the new baby as much as I loved Kenna.  I worried about Kenna being pushed aside and not feeling loved.  I worried about how I could take care of a new baby when I was in pain 95% of the time.  I worried.  I still worry.

I know I love Jay just as much as I love Kenna.  I think I still give Kenna as much attention and love as before, if not more because I’m acutely aware of it. ..

But do I like them equally? I know, horrible subject right?! 

McKenna was wanted, was tried for and it took alot to get her here.  I worried the entire 9 months and even when I was in labor I was still freaking out.  It wasn’t until she came out, cried and her breathing calmed down when I could take a breath myself.  She’s been my Bebe for 7 years and will always be.  She’s my girl, my sugar britches, MY McKenna.

Jaylon was a surprise.  We thought we were done.  It was a pretty care-free pregnancy, if you can have such a thing after losing so many babies.  Yes I hurled, alot.  Yes I had Gestational Diabetes.  But I only freaked out around the 26wk mark, not the entire time.  He’s my Bubba, my Babykins and my Bubby.

But I’m worried I like one more than the other.  Notice I didn’t say LOVE.  I love them both the same, with my entire heart, so much that it hurts somedays.  But like…that’s a different story.  I feel like a horrible, horrible mother for just typing this.  You’re not supposed to feel this way about your kids, but I can’t help it.

Is it wrong that I like one more?  Or do I need counselling for me and the kids when they get older?!  And if moms sometimes feel this way, will it ever change?

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2 Responses to “Equal?”

  1. hydrogeek September 30, 2009 at 4:30 pm #

    I think this waxes and wanes and changes over the course of time. Sometimes you will like one better, sometimes that one will turn into a teenaged asshole and you like the other better for a while. Eventually, they grow up, and you have to forge an adult relationship with them, which is when the real “like” begins. All that to say, I think this is completely normal.

  2. Mom October 26, 2009 at 9:22 am #

    Sweetie, what are you doing to yourself? You love both kids with all of your heart. You like both kids with all of your heart. Yes, they are different in many ways and it will get even more different as they grow older. I keep telling you that it is so wierd having kids that have the same mother and father and yet they are so different. One blond the other brunette. One male the other female. They have different personalities, likes and dislikes but being a mother, you like them and love them just the same way but in different ways if that makes since. All of your babies are loved even the ones that we never knew. Don’t be too hard on yourself but I guess that is what mothers do, right?

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