I’m obese…

11 Mar

I live in one of the fattest cities in America and I add to that statistic.  My name is Melanie and my BMI is 37%, making me morbidly obese.

I was a thin girl growing up. I was active and I danced, a lot.  My high school years I cheered and was an average looking girl. I was ok with how I looked then.  In college, when we got married I weighed 135lbs and danced 5 days a week sometimes for 4+hrs a day, no not THAT type of dance people, get your heads outta the gutter!.  I loved my legs, my dancers legs.  I didn’t much care for my “tummy” but I liked the way I looked in my leo and tights and didn’t mind being in them.  Then the happiness and pregnancies began.

You all know that “I’m happy where I am in my life, I got my man so I don’t care if I gain a little weight”…I was there.  When I got pregnant with Avery, I gained the 25lbs and never lost it.  The depression that came with losing a baby just added to my eating and I was bigger than I ever had been before.  I  got pregnant with Kenna and the weight just piled on again.  I was 190-ish lbs and was embarrassed by my weight.  When Kenna was 2 I started going to LA Weight Loss.  As much as I hated dieting it worked for me and the pounds started flying off, I mean 4-5 sometimes more lbs a week!  I got down to 160, close to my 140lb goal weight.  I felt good. I was shopping in the “normal” sized girl clothing stores again.  It showed, and my husband noticed…knocking me up! LOL

Jackson’s pregnancy was no different from the others weight wise.  The lbs just started snowballing and when he was born I was back into the 180-190s.  The depression was so bad after he was born food was comforting to me.  It was my crutch.

My leg injury helped me become sedentary.  Walking hurt, moving hurt…the bed became my friend.  I saw my weight balloon.

When Jaylon’s pregnancy started I was over 200lbs and sick from the beginning.  I think having the hyperemesis was my body’s way of saying “dude, you CANNOT gain another 30lbs with this pregnancy, you’ll die!”.  In a way I’m thankful I puked the entire time and had Gestational Diabetes, because of those I LOST 30lbs during his pregnancy.  When he was born I felt good.  Not great, hell I was still 190, but better than I had in years.  I was determined to get the weight off.

I didn’t.

Today, according to my Wii Fit, I am 220lbs again.  And I’m crying as I type that.

My husband was a big boy in high school and college.  Through sheer willpower he lost over 100lbs, started lifting weights and was even featured in Muscle and Fitness magazine.  I know he’s disappointed in me but I also know that he will support me and help me in any way he can.

Please don’t judge me, I do enough of that myself.  I hate feeling the way I do and hate looking how I do too.  I rarely look at myself in the mirror and sometimes picture myself as the “old skinny me”.  When I do catch a glimpse of my reflection I’m taken aback.  The legs I see are not mine, these have dimples and cottage cheese.  This tummy that I try to cover with big shirts and jeans isn’t what I remember.  It’s huge, I look 7 months pregnant.  And don’t get me started on the chins where I used to have one.  Finding clothes is almost impossible.  I have to shop in the big girl section and even then they don’t fit right.   It’s impossible to find a shirt that looks good and covers the back fat I have gained.  My arms don’t look good in certain short-sleeved shirts but I live in the equator (not quite but close) during the summer and long sleeves just won’t work.

I have NO will power.  I love to eat.  Everything in my family, even when I was growing up, revolves around “when are we going to eat” or “what are we eating”?  I’m a chocoholic and love anything with sugar.  I’m addicted to pop and eat when I’m bored.

If I do not get a handle on this Type II diabetes is soon to follow, if I don’t already have it.  I won’t be around to see grandkids.  I know my knees and ankles will feel better too.

I’m ready to feel good about myself again.  I’ve joined SparkPeople, it’s a site to help you lose weight.  I figured I’d sign up and log in a few times then quit, but I’m really enjoying it.  You input what you’ve eaten and it comes up with a calorie/fat/protein count.  You can also record how much water you’ve drunk and how many minutes you’ve worked out.  There are message boards filled with people who are going through what you are.

Today was day 1 for me. I haven’t had a pop today (and it’s almost 8pm!) and have had my 8 glasses of water!  I worked out with my Wii Fit for 11 minutes and took a walk today with Jay for 15.  My ankle is killing me but I’ve got to get some exercise somehow.  I have consumed just a little over 1200 calories today and I’m not hungry.  I need to find more protein but other than that I have a pretty good idea of what I can or can’t eat.  I will also have a cheat day every week.  That’s from my hubby and I agree. If you deny yourself all the time you’re more apt to fall off the wagon.  If I allow myself a day or a meal that I eat a treat then hopefully that will help me stay on this for the long-haul.

So, please stick with me.  Support me, not by saying “oh, you shouldn’t have eaten that” or looking at me with that look when I eat a fuckin’ funnel cake next weekend.  Support me with an occasional “oh, you look good” or “you’re doing a great job” even if I’m slipping a little.

Pretty soon, I won’t be a statistic anymore.


15 Responses to “I’m obese…”

  1. pinkknotes March 11, 2010 at 8:12 pm #

    First of all, I love you. You are a strong woman for posting this, being willing to say what you did.

    Second, I will support you as best I can from 1200 miles away. I tried SparkPeople, but couldn’t afford the food that it wanted me to eat 😦

    Third, I have a weight loss story to share with you as well, but I am not comfortable with posting it for everyone to see, so I’m going to send it to you on facebook.

    Last, boobies.

    (Sorry, I couldn’t resist trying to add [not aSS like I first typed] something to make you smile 🙂 )

    • fourpates March 11, 2010 at 8:28 pm #

      Oh my god woman! You totally made me cry then I snorted when I hit the last part! Thanks! Oh and I’m doing my own food, they gave me a “menu” to follow but I deleted it and chose to do my own shit! LOL

      • pinkknotes March 11, 2010 at 8:36 pm #

        Yeah, I constantly make people cry, but that’s their fault for being wimps/ in the path of my shopping cart.

        I was serious. I’ll diet “with” you, workout “with” you, whatever you need. I have a decent amount of weight to lose, and it’s nice out, so I might as well help someone other than myself out for once 😉

        Good idea with doing your own food thing. Just watch out, you have to be careful when substituting- “green beans” is not the same as “one dozen fresh hot krispy kreme glazed doughnuts”. In case you didn’t know.

      • fourpates March 11, 2010 at 8:55 pm #

        Thanks for clearing that whole “green bean” vs. “doughnuts” thing up for me! LMAO! I’ll take you up on the dieting together thing!

      • pinkknotes March 11, 2010 at 9:10 pm #

        No problem. I figured that a few key tips from me will really get you going. Also, did you know that eating a pound of butter raw is bad for you? Who knew?!

      • fourpates March 12, 2010 at 7:18 am #

        Well, shit…guess I’ll have to re-think lunch then!

  2. Jean Ann March 11, 2010 at 8:17 pm #

    You can do it babe cause I did and we are strong Brewington woman. I want you to be able to see your grandkids grow up and I will do anything in my power to help you. I love you and am very proud of you for taking the bull by the horns!

  3. studentrntiffany March 11, 2010 at 11:21 pm #

    What a wonderful post. And the best of luck to you!!

    • fourpates March 12, 2010 at 7:18 am #

      Thank you. I love new commenters! (I don’t think that’s a word!)

  4. Michelle March 12, 2010 at 7:03 am #

    Wow! I’m proud of you! That couldn’t have been easy to post. I know you can do it! I’ll try to do my part from here. Lord knows I have plenty of weight of my own to loose! I do plan on having a fucking funnel cake with you next weekend though 🙂

    • fourpates March 12, 2010 at 7:17 am #

      Thanks sis! It wasn’t easy to post and I had to take a deep breath before I hit “publish”. I think you look great, btw! And yes, please partake in a ffc with me next weekend! 🙂 Why do I always diet during celebrations?! LOL I love you!

  5. hydrogeek March 12, 2010 at 9:40 am #

    Good luck hon. I actually used my stomach virus this past weekend as a starting point for not gorging myself on crap all day every day. I’m doing better. Until the last couple of months, I had been pregnant and/or nursing for the last FOUR YEARS. I got used to dessert with every meal. My pants have made it clear that has to stop. So, I’m with you. Let’s do this.

    And @pinknotes “that’s their fault for…being in the path of my shopping cart” HA! Hon, I don’t know you, but I can just tell that need to CHANGE.

  6. Deanna March 24, 2010 at 2:23 pm #

    Melanie, you have took a big step. I joined Weight Watchers in November. My aunts and mom have big weight issues. I did not want to wait until I had problems with my health. WW has a very good support group. I know with your mom and sister you have great people around you. If you need one more I am there for you. I think of you girls all the time. I get a kick out of reading what you and Michelle say to each other. It makes me want a sister even more. I do have great sisters from my small group at church. Just pray each morning before you get out of bed to give you the power to eat healthy and keep you from being hunger.

  7. Marisa September 30, 2010 at 6:13 pm #

    I applaud you. I myself have lost 100 lbs since the birth of my daughter in 2006. I no longer drink soda and I watch what I eat. It IS hard, but if you have the right motivation anything is possible. I wish you the best of luck on this journey… and keep your head up, it will get easier. You are setting a positive example for your children. And remember, it’s not okay to want to be skinny (once you get there it is easy to fall off the “wagon”)… but it’s crucial to be healthy.

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