Tag Archives: exercise

Smaller goals

6 Aug

I hesitate putting “smaller” goals or even thinking of them that way but I hate the term “short-term” goals. I’m not sure why, that’s exactly what they are. Oh well…semantics.

I had a goal of 195lbs by the end of July (for a wedding)…well I hit that and went a little under. YIPPPEEEEE! So I started thinking of my next goal, my next milestone that I could reach in time for something that means a lot to me. I’ve decided that by late October I want to be 175lbs. I’ll have to bust my ass to get there but it’s totally possible. I want to be smaller for my scrapbook retreat I go to with my sister. I want to get a full body massage while I’m there and not feel self-conscious about me being a whale on the table. I want people to notice that I’ve lost weight (and not just family members) and I want to buy a Large t-shirt instead of XXL. It’s the little things, people.

It’s amazing to me that if I hit that goal (175lbs) I’ll have lost almost 50lbs in this journey and only be 35lbs to my ultimate goal. When I first started sparkpeople.com that year of weight loss looked so daunting. But as I’m hacking away at my fat it doesn’t seem too far out there anymore. I wish I could work out more again, I wish I had the motivation back I had at the beginning but I’m still doing it. I wish I didn’t need a cheatday on Saturdays but I know myself well enough that if I don’t allow a cheat I’ll be more likely to binge on the crap during the week, thus derailing everything because then I’d go down the “shame spiral” and think that I’ve already screwed it up to just keep doing it and start fresh later, but that later would never come. How ’bout THAT for a run-on sentence?! But it also conveys what that spiral is like for me…it’s never ending and it just gets out of control. Allowing one day to have pancakes, or cookies or ice cream then I get rid of that craving and move on.

I know even at 175lbs I’ll still be fat. Even now I’ve lost 30lbs but people still see me as fat. And I’m ok with that, it’s motivation. I am fat. But I’m embracing the skinny inside and soon it’ll show.

Losing weight is mostly mental. Sure there’s the diet, exercise and eating healthy but you have to be in it mentally and trick yourself sometimes as well. I eat off a small plate, I use a small fork. I imagine the size of protein as a deck of cards. The looks of my plate has changed. Before diet it was 60% protein, 30% carbs and 10% veggies, with huge portion of sugar and snacks on the side. Now it’s totally changed. My biggest portion is veggies, then protein and finally carbs. My snacks are fruits and at night I’ll have a low-cal treat. It works for me and I know this is how I’ll eat for the rest of my life. If I don’t then I’ll balloon up again and I don’t want that. I also eat breakfast now, I used to not. I’ve noticed a huge difference in doing so too. I’m not hungry and snacking before lunch. I don’t binge at lunch either.

Geeze, this post has rambled and taken its own direction, huh?

So, on to the next “smaller goal”…as I get smaller.

I’m obese…

11 Mar

I live in one of the fattest cities in America and I add to that statistic.  My name is Melanie and my BMI is 37%, making me morbidly obese.

I was a thin girl growing up. I was active and I danced, a lot.  My high school years I cheered and was an average looking girl. I was ok with how I looked then.  In college, when we got married I weighed 135lbs and danced 5 days a week sometimes for 4+hrs a day, no not THAT type of dance people, get your heads outta the gutter!.  I loved my legs, my dancers legs.  I didn’t much care for my “tummy” but I liked the way I looked in my leo and tights and didn’t mind being in them.  Then the happiness and pregnancies began.

You all know that “I’m happy where I am in my life, I got my man so I don’t care if I gain a little weight”…I was there.  When I got pregnant with Avery, I gained the 25lbs and never lost it.  The depression that came with losing a baby just added to my eating and I was bigger than I ever had been before.  I  got pregnant with Kenna and the weight just piled on again.  I was 190-ish lbs and was embarrassed by my weight.  When Kenna was 2 I started going to LA Weight Loss.  As much as I hated dieting it worked for me and the pounds started flying off, I mean 4-5 sometimes more lbs a week!  I got down to 160, close to my 140lb goal weight.  I felt good. I was shopping in the “normal” sized girl clothing stores again.  It showed, and my husband noticed…knocking me up! LOL

Jackson’s pregnancy was no different from the others weight wise.  The lbs just started snowballing and when he was born I was back into the 180-190s.  The depression was so bad after he was born food was comforting to me.  It was my crutch.

My leg injury helped me become sedentary.  Walking hurt, moving hurt…the bed became my friend.  I saw my weight balloon.

When Jaylon’s pregnancy started I was over 200lbs and sick from the beginning.  I think having the hyperemesis was my body’s way of saying “dude, you CANNOT gain another 30lbs with this pregnancy, you’ll die!”.  In a way I’m thankful I puked the entire time and had Gestational Diabetes, because of those I LOST 30lbs during his pregnancy.  When he was born I felt good.  Not great, hell I was still 190, but better than I had in years.  I was determined to get the weight off.

I didn’t.

Today, according to my Wii Fit, I am 220lbs again.  And I’m crying as I type that.

My husband was a big boy in high school and college.  Through sheer willpower he lost over 100lbs, started lifting weights and was even featured in Muscle and Fitness magazine.  I know he’s disappointed in me but I also know that he will support me and help me in any way he can.

Please don’t judge me, I do enough of that myself.  I hate feeling the way I do and hate looking how I do too.  I rarely look at myself in the mirror and sometimes picture myself as the “old skinny me”.  When I do catch a glimpse of my reflection I’m taken aback.  The legs I see are not mine, these have dimples and cottage cheese.  This tummy that I try to cover with big shirts and jeans isn’t what I remember.  It’s huge, I look 7 months pregnant.  And don’t get me started on the chins where I used to have one.  Finding clothes is almost impossible.  I have to shop in the big girl section and even then they don’t fit right.   It’s impossible to find a shirt that looks good and covers the back fat I have gained.  My arms don’t look good in certain short-sleeved shirts but I live in the equator (not quite but close) during the summer and long sleeves just won’t work.

I have NO will power.  I love to eat.  Everything in my family, even when I was growing up, revolves around “when are we going to eat” or “what are we eating”?  I’m a chocoholic and love anything with sugar.  I’m addicted to pop and eat when I’m bored.

If I do not get a handle on this Type II diabetes is soon to follow, if I don’t already have it.  I won’t be around to see grandkids.  I know my knees and ankles will feel better too.

I’m ready to feel good about myself again.  I’ve joined SparkPeople, it’s a site to help you lose weight.  I figured I’d sign up and log in a few times then quit, but I’m really enjoying it.  You input what you’ve eaten and it comes up with a calorie/fat/protein count.  You can also record how much water you’ve drunk and how many minutes you’ve worked out.  There are message boards filled with people who are going through what you are.

Today was day 1 for me. I haven’t had a pop today (and it’s almost 8pm!) and have had my 8 glasses of water!  I worked out with my Wii Fit for 11 minutes and took a walk today with Jay for 15.  My ankle is killing me but I’ve got to get some exercise somehow.  I have consumed just a little over 1200 calories today and I’m not hungry.  I need to find more protein but other than that I have a pretty good idea of what I can or can’t eat.  I will also have a cheat day every week.  That’s from my hubby and I agree. If you deny yourself all the time you’re more apt to fall off the wagon.  If I allow myself a day or a meal that I eat a treat then hopefully that will help me stay on this for the long-haul.

So, please stick with me.  Support me, not by saying “oh, you shouldn’t have eaten that” or looking at me with that look when I eat a fuckin’ funnel cake next weekend.  Support me with an occasional “oh, you look good” or “you’re doing a great job” even if I’m slipping a little.

Pretty soon, I won’t be a statistic anymore.

Wii Fit

29 May

I got a Wii Fit and I’m loving it!  I haven’t gotten the OK from the doc to exercise yet but I’m taking it easy.  I worked up to 33 minutes today and worked up a sweat too!  It felt good.  It’d be better if I did it in the am, but with Jay it’s hard to do.  So, afternoon will have to work, I figure at least it’s me moving around so no matter when I do it it’s gotta be good.  Lets hope the lbs melt off and I become a hot mom, hell I’d take half-way-healthy mom!  LMAO! 

Also, I’m sure you all are wondering how the fam is.  Kenna is wonderful!  She loves being a big sister and is good at it!  She’s also doing AWESOME at school.  Her reading level is supposed to be at 16, but she tested at a 24, which is end of 2nd grade level!  I’m so proud!  Softball is over and she’s done so well.  Now all-stars starts soon!

Jay is great.  He gets fussy at times because of gas; we’ve tried changing bottles but that made it worse.  So, we’ll just hang in until his next appt and ask. He now weighs 9lbs 8oz and is 21 1/2 inches long (at his 1 month appt).  So he’s growing just fine!  He’s my chunky monkey!  I’ve gotten a few smiles from him but they are few and far between, but I’ll take ’em!  He’s up to 4oz every 3-4 hrs, although sometimes he’ll go 5 hrs and it freaks me out! LOL.

I just have one pic and he’s sleeping but I’ll show ya anyway, to tide you over!  I’ll try and get a family pic this next weekend at a wedding we’re headed to!

carseat