Tag Archives: pregnancy loss

Time is moving too quickly

8 Aug

Ever have one of those OMG moments? I did tonight.

Even though I think of my angel babies every day I forget sometimes how old they’d be. The days they were each born plays in my head like a movie daily. Yet, they don’t age. I can remember the day we found out about Avery and the day she was born like it happened just yesterday. The pain isn’t there as badly any more; you learn how to cope with it so it’s easier. The day from hell when Jackson was born still stings, the fear I felt is still there and the sense of no control still haunts me. I remember waking up with a damn tube in my throat and the panic I felt when they sucked it out and finally pulled it out because the respiration tech person didn’t bother to tell me what to expect.

Because I still feel all that, it’s hard to believe it’s been almost 8 years. EIGHT years.

And it’s not just with my angels. I feel the same way sometimes with my kiddoes here on Earth. Kenna is 10, where the hell did this decade go? Jay, my sweet baby Jay, is no longer a baby.

Heck, I even remember my wedding day and being so hot in my dress before the ceremony and kinda freaking out a little too. So I guess it’s not just my kids that I wonder where the time went.

Even though I feel like the years have flown, I still feel young. Forgetting all the time how old I am and constantly asking Sean or doing the math. Does everyone do this or am I just losing my mind?! LOL

I think in terms of “how much longer”. I have 6 years till my girl drives and 8 until she graduates and, hopefully, leaves the nest to grow her own wings. Then I think…wow when she’s 16, Jay will be 9. I won’t need a babysitter anymore in a few years either! But geeze, when Kenna is gone what will it be like to have one kid at home again? He’ll only be 11, will he be happy that big sister is gone or will he be bummed because his buddy is leaving?

It’s too much sometimes. And I’ve decided they both need to stop growing! LOL 🙂


A friend

3 Jan

I have a friend whom I met almost 10 years ago, yet I’ve only ever seen her in person two times. We met on an online message board about pregnancy and infant loss. I was mourning the loss of Avery and wasn’t sure where to turn or what to do or how to think or…well, you get the idea, I was lost. In some sick way it was a comfort reading about these other ladies that were going through something similar to what I was, see; I wasn’t the only one dealing with this.

I’m not sure what made me read her story but I felt a blow to my gut when I read her story. Her full term son was born with an umbilical cord issue (I won’t even try to explain it), he lived for a few days and died in his mother’s arms. I felt so sorry for her that she and her hubby had to decide to disconnect life support for their son. I felt that she was going through something so much worse than I was. I sat and wondered what would be easier; a stillborn whom you never get to see alive or a full term baby who is a live for days (weeks, months) and you have to decide when the “right” time to say goodbye is.

The first time we met we sat up drinking, laughing and bawling by a hotel pool. We had this instant connection, something all the other mommy’s there with us couldn’t understand. I told her how I felt, how awful I felt for her. We hugged and cried and laughed and drank some more. She told me later something that I’ll never forget;

It does not matter how long you know your child; if you see them breathing, if they talk to you or if you feel them in your womb, they are still your child and it still hurts like hell when they leave.

So true.

So, here’s to Corbyn, my friend’s baby boy. He would be 10 years old today. You’ve touched more lives than you know and I thank you. Now, enjoy your birthday cake with Avery and Jackson for me.

I need toddler sized safety gear

6 Nov

I swear, this boy is gonna be the death of me. Sure, Kenna fell, tripped and got bumps and bruises but NEVER did she need to be taken to the ER or make me worry if she’s got a concussion.

First off on Halloween, we were trick-or-treating and having a grand old time. Sean was letting Jay run around and Jay tripped. He cried, even when Sean picked him up which is a little unusual. But the fall didn’t look that bad, he did have his hand stuck inside his costume so he couldn’t break his fall. But after a few minutes he stopped crying and went to the next house.

We get home and I get Jay into his PJs and notice something on his tooth. I figured it was a hair or something. NOPE…Jaylon broke his tooth! His front top tooth, all the way in half. I have no clue how it was still attached. So, we loaded up and went to the ER. They did nothing, not even contact the on call dentist. They just referred us to a local pediatric dentist and sent us on our merry way.

As soon as they opened on Monday morning I called and they had us come in, saying we may have to wait for a bit. Luckily we didn’t have to, they got us in in about 10 minutes! They did a quick x-ray and the dentist came in and took a look. Then looked at the xray again, then took another look. Decided that his teeth looked great but that one was broken all the way through horizontally AND broken vertically in the back, so it had to come out. He thought about sedating him if he needed more work done but since this was his only problem decided to just numb him up and pull it.

See, here’s the deal, I don’t do teeth. Let me just say that again…I DON’T DO TEETH! When I was younger my mom pulled a bottom tooth that was NOT supposed to come out yet, thinking it was the super wiggly one. I trace my tooth-aversion to that day, since I was like 6-7 and totally remember everything she said/did!  UGH…

I explained to the doc that I just can’t handle teeth but I’d stay in there if I could. He laughed and said that was fine and walked me through what needed to be done. As soon as the first shot happened and Jay screamed like I’ve never heard him scream and the blood started…I about hurled. The doc looked at me (I’m now white as a sheet, nauseated and tearing up) and laughed and said “why don’t you just wait out there, I don’t want to fix one of your teeth after you pass out”. Then said the nicest thing…”no one will think you’re a bad mom if you leave him with us. He’s in good hands, I will treat him like he’s my son.” UGH, made me cry more.

5 minutes later Jay came out bloodied all to hell. He was laughing and playing with the nurses until he saw me, then he cried! LOL…little shit would not leave the gauze in, so he bled everywhere.

Turns out the tooth was cracked all the way up inside his gums to his nerve. I’m glad the doc decided it needed to be pulled.

Fast forward to today. I leave to go get dinner because I never cook on Saturdays, don’t ask, just something that we always do.  So, Kenna and I leave to get the food. When we get home Jay is pissy, which is normal for him because he hasn’t eaten yet and OMG, it’s already 5:30, where is my dinner woman? He’s pretty fussy through all of dinner time. I see a new bruise on his forehead and Sean tells me he fell outside. Nothing new there. I swear the boy can’t walk 5 steps without tripping over himself. I didn’t really freak out until I was cleaning him up and notice the marble sized bump on his head. UGH…so I pick him up and love on him a little. I get his PJs on and milk and we cuddle. He’s acting fine but now I’ll worry all night that he’s got a concussion! LOL

I’m not sure if I’m just overly paranoid because he’s my boy and he really wasn’t even supposed to be here, or maybe I know that while all children are miracles, he truly is one…I dunno but I freak every time the kid hurts himself, which is usually every 30 minutes or so. Sean is annoyed by it, I’m sure he thinks I’m making Jay a wus and maybe I am…but SERIOUSLY…a head injury! LOL I know, I know, I am being way too protective, hell even with Kenna I’m different (see: Are you bleeding? No. Then you’re fine.)

Anyway, I will need every sort of insurance you can get on someone. I have a feeling by the time Jay is grown and we’re not responsible for medical bills any more and he will start to pay his own, we’ll have paid enough to actually OWN the hospital!

Here’s Jay now, btw. It’s the best pic I can get of him since it’s impossible to get him to stop and let me take a pic.

I have a 9 year old angel

22 Feb

February 22, 2001.  It’s amazing how a day that was 9 years ago still brings tears to my eyes.  I remember it and the days leading up to it like it just happened.

Earlier that month I had gone to Florida to take the dance team I was coach of to Nationals.  I was 24-ish weeks pregnant.  We we came back I had a slight head cold and just felt blah.  Finally I just didn’t feel “right” and called my doc.  I was told to come in to make sure all was ok.  By this time I was 25wks and 6 days pregnant.  They did the doppler and found no heartbeat, and ultrasound was done and showed no flicker of a heart.  Luckily Sean was there with me because I was devastated.  We were told to have another ultrasound tomorrow to make sure our first baby girl had indeed died.

I remember calling my mom and telling her that her first granddaughter was gone.  They immediately got in the car and came to be with us.  I called my co-worker who came over to help me clean the house a smidge and to be there with us until my mom got there.

The next morning we had the ultrasound and the tech said the worst words any mother could ever hear, “I’m sorry”.  The doc told us we had a couple options; wait until my body realized that something wasn’t right and I went into labor on my own or to be induced.  We chose induction the next day since I wanted the experience over.

We went to the hospital in the morning.  Wednesday the 21st we started the induction.  Finally by that night nothing much was happening so we stopped the meds so I could eat and rest that night.  The next day we started up again and it went faster.  Delivering a 26wk baby, I didn’t need to be dilated to 10 and by the afternoon something had changed and the baby was coming out!  I was being wheeled into the delivery room and I couldn’t stop her from coming.  I remember asking for a hand to hold, I needed someone to hold my hands.  In that instant both hands were being held by my mom on one side and my sis on the other.  I needed them and they were there.  Sean couldn’t be in the delivery room since he didn’t want to see the baby (and he’s still never seen her).  Right then out Avery slid, amniotic sac still intact and all.  She weighed 1lb and was 12 inches long.

It was after the delivery is what I don’t really recall.  We planned her little funeral, held her and said our goodbyes.  The next day I was released and we went home to get ready for her funeral which was that day.

I remember her funeral but that’s about all for that day.  We got our dog Hopie then too.  Sean thought she would help me work through my grief and she did, that’s for sure.  I went back to work in about a week but was in a fog for quite a while.

I don’t remember when the fog lifted enough for me to function.  I don’t remember when I smiled again.  I don’t remember when I laughed again.  But it happened.  Then McKenna happened; we got pregnant with her around the 4th of July that same year.

My life, our lives, will never be the same.  Losing our daughter was horrible and I wouldn’t wish that pain on even my worst enemy, but Avery made me who I am today and taught me that life is precious and fragile.  I’d never go through another pregnancy the same either.   Her body is buried in Amarillo, her brother is next to her, but her spirit is watching over us every day.

Doc appt – 34 wks

7 Apr

Ah, another doc appt in the books.  I had my usual NST, but this time Jaylon was asleep, the little booger.  So they had to use the buzzer, which pissed him off totally.  After the buzzer Jay woke up and started jumping around and looking perfect.  My sugars look awesome, mean of 90, which my doc said is better than his! LMAO! 

The awesome news is we're no longer "tentative" for the April 27th c-section…we're ON THE SCHEDULE!  Wooooo hooo!  Doc did say again that if there's any change, anything that doesn't feel right, any bleeding, any change in movement, etc to come to the hospital, no if's, and's or but's.  He said he may not take him, but he would probably admit me and go from there.

I'm ready, I'm ready to meet my son and see what my daughter does with her brother.  I'm ready to see this gorgeous little boy that we've been waiting on for years.  We were always ok with having one child, we were perfectly fine with it.  But then Jaylon happened and I realized that maybe we WEREN'T ok with having an only kid.  Maybe we were just saying we were to protect ourselves.  Sure, Kenna's a great kid and I don't know what I'd do without her, but maybe we weren't done.  Jaylon is our gift, to us and to our daughter.  The daughter who we thought would be our one and only, even though she was bummed about not having a sibling.  The daughter that is a miracle; the daughter who I'm not sure how she even got here since she looked so shitty when she came out, the daughter who I'm surprised came out alive.  Now she will have a little brother; a brother who is also a miracle. 

How blessed are we?

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It’s here – 26 weeks

9 Feb

I can't believe it.  The week that I dread is now here.  I have a doc appt tomorrow, thank goodness.  I'm not freaking out as much as I thought I would, but the week is just beginning. 

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25 weeks

3 Feb

Because I've been asked, I realize I neglected my weekly post and don't want people to worry!  I'm 25 and 1 today and so far so good.  I had a little scare last week with some horrible cramping but all is well, cervix is firm and closed and the fetal fibronectin (sp?) test came back neg, so they just think I have an irritable uterus.  I'm not on bedrest or anything but have been told to take it easy.  I'm not sure what they think I do, hell I always take it easy! LOL

Since then I've been having BH contractions and more cramping.  Yesterday my stomach actually ached from all the fun and Jaylon didn't move as much, but I was also throwing up all day too.  But I feel 100% better today and Jay is already having a party today.

I see my doc tomorrow for my weekly appt and I'm sure we'll discuss the uterine irritability wrap and my mental state.  I have realized that since I woke up yesterday all I can think of is next week.  Not this week, not that Jay is putting on fat and should only be 1 1/2 lbs (he's bigger) but noooooo…all I can think of is NEXT WEEK.  I also find myself patting my belly trying to remember every kick since this could be my last week of this pregnancy.  I know it's morbid and wrong to think that, but damn people what'dya expect?  I still feel different about this pregnancy than any other, and it helps that he's having so much fun and moving in there, but the thought will always creep in there, I can't get past it.  I know Sean is feeling the same way, he doesn't say it (he doesn't say much actually) but we're not buying baby stuff until later, by his decision and mine.  He won't talk to the belly either, it's like he's too afraid to become attached.  I can't say that I blame him, I don't.  I honestly think I would love to be "less attached" to Jaylon to shield myself from getting hurt.  But as a mother and as the person growing the baby it's impossible to not become attached and love this alien from the get-go.  If my doc says to OK on the hospitalization next week, I'm all for it.  Having him on the monitor, having u/s and BPPs will really make me feel better and lord knows I need some of that!

Soooo, there's your update.  I'll have another one tomorrow after the doc appt but this is where we're at right now!  Keep sending sticky baby vibes for a few more weeks, ya know…just in case!

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2nd opinion…why did I go?

18 Apr
I have no clue where to even begin.

I'll make this short (not really, but whatever), but basically he said that after reviewing my file (which he did while I sat there) he said that he read a case done last year with women who had abrupted badly enough to loose their babies. Of those women 10% abrupted again and lost the babies again. He said he doesn't feel comfortable telling me what my chances of having another baby die or me die, but based on that case study he said that if I did get preggers that I'd have a 10% chance that I'd abrupt at some point and baby would die. He explained that it's not just losing the baby but he said about the DIC and me getting sick again. he told me that he's only treated/seen 7 women that lived after going through DIC and I was one. So, he told me NOT to have any more, but he did say that he can't decide for us and we'll have to make the decision, but he would strongly advise against it.

Then he told me that I need to be on bp meds and so he hooked me up with a family practioner to see (no appt date set yet) to get on those and to talk to him about my migranes. He's afraid I'm having the TIAs and so he doens't know what they'd do for me.

THEN…he tells me that he thinks I have PCOS, but wants me to see an OB/gyn about it since he doesn't deal with non preggers PCOS patients. I have an appt on May 9th with the Ob/gyn to talk to him about that and possibly do an IUD or to tie my tubes.

He was an awesome doc…I really liked him and he was great with Kenna. He even said he knows what it's like to have one kid and want another but can't for some reason. he said he and his wife went through that and decided after years to just be happy with their first. He had a good head on his shoulders and even understood that wasn't wha I wanted to hear, but knew that I NEEDED to hear it. He put it really well that your heart wants it, but you have to convince your brain, sometimes hearing it 2x makes it more real. He said their infertility group is great if we want to do surogacy, but we can talk about that later again.

He told me this story of a woman he treated and had 5 stillbirths, after each he told her not to do it again, but she kept on and on. Her depression kept getting worse each time and finally she had her 6th stillborn and went home and killed herself. He said he's never forgave himself for that because he felt he could have done more to stop her from having more babies, but he said all he can do is tell us what he thinks and go with it.

If I do get preggers, he told me he'd treat me and "throw all the black magic he could at me because he'd be worried about giving someone who went through DIC an anticoagulant (heparin, lovenox)", he'd also see me every week from 19wks on and u/s every week to. But docs are afraid of abruptions and they can happen in seconds. He had a woman in the hospital for 20 wks because of previous abruptions and everything was great, then one morning all looked fine, but 1 1/2 hrs later the baby was dead due to abruption. He said there's nothing they can do to stop them, that's why docs are afraid of them.

So much for making this short huh? Basically the baby factory REALLY is closed, my BP is way high, I'm not having periods, I've gained 10 lbs in 3 months AND…I'm stroking out at the age of 28! Bascially…WHY did I go to this appt again?! LMAO! 

Any questions? This was in one place the copied here, so some of it may not make sense or you don't have the background. I'll answer anything you have questions about! 

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2nd opinion

21 Mar

Ok, so the more I think about it I'm just not OK with ONE person telling me to never have kids again.  I've decided I will find another MFM or perinatologist and get a 2nd opinion.  Now I'm wondering if I should have the bloodwork sent to the new one or have them do repeat draws.  I'd also like to talk to someone about PCOS 'cause I have a feeling I have issues with that.


So, my question is would you repeat bloodwork or just have the reports sent to new doc?


We'll just go from what the "new" doc says and make decisions after that.

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The waiting game…

29 Sep

Time…time…what else can I say.  We have to measure time by something…minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, etc…but I really think we are all slaves to clocks, watches and calendars.  Let me explain my thinking this way…


When we are trying to conceive a baby it's measured in days and temperature. You take your temperature every morning hoping for a little change…sometimes not even .02 of a degree…and cycle days, CD 1 is when Flo shows…ovulation day if you're lucky is CD 14…then we go to days past ovulation or DPO…the magic number of DPO's is 14…ooooh, then you can pee on a stick.  If you've succeeded then YIPEEEEEE…time starts all over for you but in weeks now.  "How far along are you?", "I'm 12 weeks". The people who haven't been pregnant recently will then ask, "OK, but how many MONTHS is that?”  I think people forget that pregnancy is REALLY 10 months, not the 9 months that they teach you in high school health class.  It's a joke really, the trick you into thinking that pregnancy is 9 months and somehow sneak an extra month in there.  Then you get closer to that magical time of your due date, you get anxious and every week you go to the doctor they check you then you're hoping for 10 and 100%.  You finally get to that point and then you push for 10 seconds (if you can make it that long!).  Baby is out and then you care about pounds, ounces and inches for length, if you're anal like I am then you also long to hear those Apgar numbers.  Take the bundle of joy home in the next day or two and then you care about ounces again…and hours; "when was the last feeding", "how much did the baby eat", "how many poopie/wet diapies did the little one have", etc. Complete strangers will then ask you, "awwww, how old is he/she?”  Again, back to months, and you will count your child’s age in months until you can't think off the top of your head what 4 x 12 is to figure out that your 4 year old child is 48 months. The math becomes too hard at that point and you then finally resort to years.  When they get older 1/2's and 3/4's come into play…trying to eeeeek out just a bit more time before their birthday.  Then when your beloved child gets older (I'm hoping age 33 for Kenna) they too will start caring about the mundane little numbers of life.


So you see…time is very important to us.  Time dulls some pain, physical and mental.  A while after having a child you forget how horrible that pain really is, even with an epidural.  You forget that it feels like your hoo hoo will split in half and spew forth a child from your "portal" (which is also a drink holder in my family!).  My cousin so eloquently put it that "she needed to take a big shit of life".  But when you hold the baby and that baby coos at you and smiles at you, you forget that hurt and you stupidly want to do it again.  Time also dulls that mental pain of losing a child.  You will never forget the child, you will never "get over" losing the child, but somehow it starts to hurt less.  You still cry for the child, you still long for the child and you still feel empty, but it's not the hurt-so-bad-that-you-can't-breathe pain, it's not the hurt-so-bad-you-can't-see-the-light-anymore pain.  It's different.  It doesn't mean you don't love the child less now nor does it mean that you're ok with them being in heaven, it just means that time has lessened the pain, and that my dear friends is OK!  That means you can finally look on the time you had with said child and smile. Even if you lost the child during pregnancy or when she was a high-schooler, you can remember the little things about them and smile and laugh.


Even though we are ruled by time, I guess it is still my friend.


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