Tag Archives: stillborn

Time is moving too quickly

8 Aug

Ever have one of those OMG moments? I did tonight.

Even though I think of my angel babies every day I forget sometimes how old they’d be. The days they were each born plays in my head like a movie daily. Yet, they don’t age. I can remember the day we found out about Avery and the day she was born like it happened just yesterday. The pain isn’t there as badly any more; you learn how to cope with it so it’s easier. The day from hell when Jackson was born still stings, the fear I felt is still there and the sense of no control still haunts me. I remember waking up with a damn tube in my throat and the panic I felt when they sucked it out and finally pulled it out because the respiration tech person didn’t bother to tell me what to expect.

Because I still feel all that, it’s hard to believe it’s been almost 8 years. EIGHT years.

And it’s not just with my angels. I feel the same way sometimes with my kiddoes here on Earth. Kenna is 10, where the hell did this decade go? Jay, my sweet baby Jay, is no longer a baby.

Heck, I even remember my wedding day and being so hot in my dress before the ceremony and kinda freaking out a little too. So I guess it’s not just my kids that I wonder where the time went.

Even though I feel like the years have flown, I still feel young. Forgetting all the time how old I am and constantly asking Sean or doing the math. Does everyone do this or am I just losing my mind?! LOL

I think in terms of “how much longer”. I have 6 years till my girl drives and 8 until she graduates and, hopefully, leaves the nest to grow her own wings. Then I think…wow when she’s 16, Jay will be 9. I won’t need a babysitter anymore in a few years either! But geeze, when Kenna is gone what will it be like to have one kid at home again? He’ll only be 11, will he be happy that big sister is gone or will he be bummed because his buddy is leaving?

It’s too much sometimes. And I’ve decided they both need to stop growing! LOL 🙂


A friend

3 Jan

I have a friend whom I met almost 10 years ago, yet I’ve only ever seen her in person two times. We met on an online message board about pregnancy and infant loss. I was mourning the loss of Avery and wasn’t sure where to turn or what to do or how to think or…well, you get the idea, I was lost. In some sick way it was a comfort reading about these other ladies that were going through something similar to what I was, see; I wasn’t the only one dealing with this.

I’m not sure what made me read her story but I felt a blow to my gut when I read her story. Her full term son was born with an umbilical cord issue (I won’t even try to explain it), he lived for a few days and died in his mother’s arms. I felt so sorry for her that she and her hubby had to decide to disconnect life support for their son. I felt that she was going through something so much worse than I was. I sat and wondered what would be easier; a stillborn whom you never get to see alive or a full term baby who is a live for days (weeks, months) and you have to decide when the “right” time to say goodbye is.

The first time we met we sat up drinking, laughing and bawling by a hotel pool. We had this instant connection, something all the other mommy’s there with us couldn’t understand. I told her how I felt, how awful I felt for her. We hugged and cried and laughed and drank some more. She told me later something that I’ll never forget;

It does not matter how long you know your child; if you see them breathing, if they talk to you or if you feel them in your womb, they are still your child and it still hurts like hell when they leave.

So true.

So, here’s to Corbyn, my friend’s baby boy. He would be 10 years old today. You’ve touched more lives than you know and I thank you. Now, enjoy your birthday cake with Avery and Jackson for me.

I have a 9 year old angel

22 Feb

February 22, 2001.  It’s amazing how a day that was 9 years ago still brings tears to my eyes.  I remember it and the days leading up to it like it just happened.

Earlier that month I had gone to Florida to take the dance team I was coach of to Nationals.  I was 24-ish weeks pregnant.  We we came back I had a slight head cold and just felt blah.  Finally I just didn’t feel “right” and called my doc.  I was told to come in to make sure all was ok.  By this time I was 25wks and 6 days pregnant.  They did the doppler and found no heartbeat, and ultrasound was done and showed no flicker of a heart.  Luckily Sean was there with me because I was devastated.  We were told to have another ultrasound tomorrow to make sure our first baby girl had indeed died.

I remember calling my mom and telling her that her first granddaughter was gone.  They immediately got in the car and came to be with us.  I called my co-worker who came over to help me clean the house a smidge and to be there with us until my mom got there.

The next morning we had the ultrasound and the tech said the worst words any mother could ever hear, “I’m sorry”.  The doc told us we had a couple options; wait until my body realized that something wasn’t right and I went into labor on my own or to be induced.  We chose induction the next day since I wanted the experience over.

We went to the hospital in the morning.  Wednesday the 21st we started the induction.  Finally by that night nothing much was happening so we stopped the meds so I could eat and rest that night.  The next day we started up again and it went faster.  Delivering a 26wk baby, I didn’t need to be dilated to 10 and by the afternoon something had changed and the baby was coming out!  I was being wheeled into the delivery room and I couldn’t stop her from coming.  I remember asking for a hand to hold, I needed someone to hold my hands.  In that instant both hands were being held by my mom on one side and my sis on the other.  I needed them and they were there.  Sean couldn’t be in the delivery room since he didn’t want to see the baby (and he’s still never seen her).  Right then out Avery slid, amniotic sac still intact and all.  She weighed 1lb and was 12 inches long.

It was after the delivery is what I don’t really recall.  We planned her little funeral, held her and said our goodbyes.  The next day I was released and we went home to get ready for her funeral which was that day.

I remember her funeral but that’s about all for that day.  We got our dog Hopie then too.  Sean thought she would help me work through my grief and she did, that’s for sure.  I went back to work in about a week but was in a fog for quite a while.

I don’t remember when the fog lifted enough for me to function.  I don’t remember when I smiled again.  I don’t remember when I laughed again.  But it happened.  Then McKenna happened; we got pregnant with her around the 4th of July that same year.

My life, our lives, will never be the same.  Losing our daughter was horrible and I wouldn’t wish that pain on even my worst enemy, but Avery made me who I am today and taught me that life is precious and fragile.  I’d never go through another pregnancy the same either.   Her body is buried in Amarillo, her brother is next to her, but her spirit is watching over us every day.

Happy Birthday Avery!

22 Feb

Wow, she'd be 8 years old today.  Instead we have her and her little brother watching over us in heaven.  So much has changed in the past 8 years and today it doesn't sting as much anymore.  I'm still sad, of course, but it's a different sad.

So, happy birthday baby girl!

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It’s here – 26 weeks

9 Feb

I can't believe it.  The week that I dread is now here.  I have a doc appt tomorrow, thank goodness.  I'm not freaking out as much as I thought I would, but the week is just beginning. 

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Have you held an angel?

15 May

I have a few blogs that I read daily.  It's like they are my friends and their blogs keep me informed.  One recent post on one of the blogs asked for the readers to visit or pray for another in the blogging community.  She had just lost her twin boys around the middle of her pregnancy.  I have no clue the exact reasons but my heart went out to her and I emailed her my story, just to let her know she was not alone. 

She wrote a very painful and raw post on Mother's day which got me thinking.  I've been meaning to write something like this for a while but it's hard to put into words, so you'll have to bear with me when I ramble.


When a mother, a family, loses a child no matter what age it hurts, hurts like hell. But you know, as cliche as this is, it will get better.  Having losses in 2000, 2001, 2004 and 2006 I know a little on the subject.  For those just joining or just finding me, the babies in 2000 and 2006 were early miscarriages which happened on their own; the 2001 child was our first daughter, Avery and in 2004 our son Jackson.  Both stillborn at 26 weeks.

But, back to what I was saying.  It'll get better.  It still hurts and I still cry but it's not as raw.  It's not burning like salt on a wound, it's not uncontrolled sobbing much anymore and the anger is not as deep.  I do not want you to think that I am happy every day, I do not want you to think that I never think of my babies, nor do I want you to think that I don't care.  But it's DIFFERENT than it was in the early 2000's…hell, even just a few years ago.  I think of my angels every single day, I'm even fighting tears as I write this.  But now, after these hard and excruciating years, it's a different cry.  You will forever miss your child, whether they were miscarriages that you didn't get to meet, stillborns that were already gone, children you got to have in your life for longer or even older children.  There's one thing…parent's should never have to bury THIER children.  I still get mad that I had to pick out two headstones, but I got to do something that I bet you never have, I've got to hold not one angel, but two!

God did not give you this child and take him/her from you to teach you a lesson, to be mean.  God has our children because they were destined for something better.  Now, go ahead and disagree with me because NO I do not intend to know exactly what God does and why, but I do know that without these angels in my life I wouldn't know some people I do today. Think about how often you hear now of someone losing a child?  People are more open about it now and it's wonderful, for a sad reason.  Avery and Jackson have brought some awesome people in my life, have allowed me to really truly and honestly know what someone is going through when they lose a child, have given me the ability to share my story to hopefully help other families in this situation and have also let me come closer to God.  I got to hold his angels, I got to carry his angels and I helped grow some of his angels.

Now, again, don't get me wrong, I hated Him for a while, but I now understand a little more and realize that even with all this shitty pain, depression, anxiety, taking my fears out on Kenna and everything else that has changed in me since my first loss, I'M FRICKIN' SPECIAL!  My babies have some really great other kids to play with up There…I have angels to watch over me all the time.

In all my rambling I hope this makes sense.  If you've had a miscarriage and didn't know the sex of the child you carried, still, give him/her a name.  It'll make it easier, even if it's a nickname.  Cherish and always think of the time you did have with your child, no matter when they passed.  I promise, it will get better, easier in some way on each angelversary.  You will still cry, you will still be mad, you will still laugh then be mad at yourself for laughing, but it's ok.  Smile because you got to hold an angel….in your arms or your womb and your HEART!

I ask you this, my awesome readers…Have you held an angel, 'cause I have!


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Mother’s Day reflection

12 May

You know Mother's day was yesterday.  Although it was a wonderful day including sleeping in, flowers and cards picked out from Kenna and Sean, a nice dinner with dessert and tons of cute little notes from Kenna all day (i.e. I love you mom) it also had a tinge of sadness too.

This special holiday for us moms has been a good one for the past 5 years for me because of Kenna.  I'm so happy that she's now getting older to write me notes and honestly tell me that she loves me.  It always makes me laugh and I'm so blessed.

While I'm happy to have Kenna here it always enters my mind that I should have at least 2 more children to write me notes on this day too.  I remember my FIRST mother's day after Avery was born.  I went to my old place of work, the local grocery store, and one of my previous co-workers knew I had been preggo but didn't know of the ins and outs of Avery's birth/passing.  So, we were there with some friends to get stuff to cook out, because Sean and our neighbors wanted me to have a happy day, remembering our daughter.  This old co-worker checking us out told me "Happy Mother's Day".  I politely said thank you and walked to the car.  I sat in the back and bawled like a baby.  Yes I was a mother, even then when Avery was in heaven, I didn't feel like it, it was a slap in the face.  In a way that pain still comes creeping in on this special day.  I hurt still, I hurt for others in my situation who have lost babies and I hurt for MY babies.  I'm sure it'll still be painful every year, but I'm just so so so so so…did I say so, THANKFUL for McKenna!

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Breakdown…at work!

21 Feb

I think I'm a strong person.  I have days, weeks and occasionally a bad month here and there, but overall I'm pretty eff'ing strong.  I thought that, until yesterday at work.  Here's some background for you:

1. Avery's birthday is Friday the 22nd.  She would have been 7 this year.  I miss her tons but for the most part I smile when I think of her, rarely do I feel the burning of tears in my eyes when I think of her or hear her name.

2. I work for 10 hrs a day.  On the phones for 8 hrs and 50 mins of these 10 hrs per day…I'm an insurance agent (it's nice saying that, not just customer service or phone work).  95% of my calls are from military members and their families.  Sometimes I get a call like I did on Tuesday, which is the reason for this post.

The call started out completely normal, ie I need an insurance card and other questions.  Then the call changed.  I heard the cutest little noise on the phone, which I knew immediately as a newborn nursing.  So, I had already started a relationship with this younger woman so I asked about the noise.  She informed me that the noise was her 9 week old daughter, Avery.  The more and more we talked the more I learned about her situation.  This simple call drew into a 45 minute discussion about her young husband in Iraq missing the birth of their first child. She and Avery are living with some friends who's husband is also deployed.  I got the young woman's car insurance taken care of but realized that we (my company) had more to offer her.  I got our bank on the line since she had a credit card with us and I got her interest rate lower because of her deployed honey, down from 17.9% to 4% for a year.  This young mom was totally stoked that I even thought of that, she thanked me profusely for helping her and her family.  This is when the call turned into a heartbreaker.  I told her it was the very least I could do because of her and her family's sacrifice while her husband is overseas.  I explained that I appreciated everything that she and her husband are giving up for me and my family.  Because of their selflessness my family is free and living how we are.  I thanked her for trusting my company and also advised her to have a great day (the norm at the end of every call for me) then I said it…"give Avery a big hug for me".  The young woman just giggled and said "I sure will", while I choked an "ok" from my throat and fought back the all too familiar burn in my eyes.  I had to finish the call, hang up the phone and walk away. 

I went to the bathroom with red eyes and mascara stained cheeks and finally realized I needed to call my mom.  Mom said the usual wonderful things a mom says and it helped and had me smiling at the end of our call thank goodness.

So much of me was embarassed to breakdown at work, to call my mommy crying but mainly I just felt silly for getting so "involved" with a customer on the phone like that.  After a few moments I realized THAT is what makes me kick ass at my job.  That's why I'm not just answering calls all day.  I mean maybe I made that young woman smile, maybe when she sees her Avery she'll always know to treasure and cherish every moment with her and maybe, just maybe, she'll now know that even with her husband overseas others care for her even though we've never met.

I think I was supposed to get that call yesterday…this week.  I never forget about my angels, all of them, but I think it was God's way or letting me know that she is doing ok and she still thinks about me too!

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Jackson William – age 3

16 Aug

Ah, today is one of those days that I dread; that all parents who lose a child dread…the anniversary of death/birthday/angelversary.  My son, Jackson William (JW), would be 3 today if he were born in my arms and not right to heaven.

This day used to suck; me spending all day in bed, me spending all day crying, and me thinking all day of JW.  But you know, it doesn't hurt as much anymore.  I still miss him and it still is a sad day, but it's not as raw anymore.  I know he's with me, I know he's with his sister and it's easier.

Please send up a little prayer for my son, today on his 3rd birthday.

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2nd opinion…why did I go?

18 Apr
I have no clue where to even begin.

I'll make this short (not really, but whatever), but basically he said that after reviewing my file (which he did while I sat there) he said that he read a case done last year with women who had abrupted badly enough to loose their babies. Of those women 10% abrupted again and lost the babies again. He said he doesn't feel comfortable telling me what my chances of having another baby die or me die, but based on that case study he said that if I did get preggers that I'd have a 10% chance that I'd abrupt at some point and baby would die. He explained that it's not just losing the baby but he said about the DIC and me getting sick again. he told me that he's only treated/seen 7 women that lived after going through DIC and I was one. So, he told me NOT to have any more, but he did say that he can't decide for us and we'll have to make the decision, but he would strongly advise against it.

Then he told me that I need to be on bp meds and so he hooked me up with a family practioner to see (no appt date set yet) to get on those and to talk to him about my migranes. He's afraid I'm having the TIAs and so he doens't know what they'd do for me.

THEN…he tells me that he thinks I have PCOS, but wants me to see an OB/gyn about it since he doesn't deal with non preggers PCOS patients. I have an appt on May 9th with the Ob/gyn to talk to him about that and possibly do an IUD or to tie my tubes.

He was an awesome doc…I really liked him and he was great with Kenna. He even said he knows what it's like to have one kid and want another but can't for some reason. he said he and his wife went through that and decided after years to just be happy with their first. He had a good head on his shoulders and even understood that wasn't wha I wanted to hear, but knew that I NEEDED to hear it. He put it really well that your heart wants it, but you have to convince your brain, sometimes hearing it 2x makes it more real. He said their infertility group is great if we want to do surogacy, but we can talk about that later again.

He told me this story of a woman he treated and had 5 stillbirths, after each he told her not to do it again, but she kept on and on. Her depression kept getting worse each time and finally she had her 6th stillborn and went home and killed herself. He said he's never forgave himself for that because he felt he could have done more to stop her from having more babies, but he said all he can do is tell us what he thinks and go with it.

If I do get preggers, he told me he'd treat me and "throw all the black magic he could at me because he'd be worried about giving someone who went through DIC an anticoagulant (heparin, lovenox)", he'd also see me every week from 19wks on and u/s every week to. But docs are afraid of abruptions and they can happen in seconds. He had a woman in the hospital for 20 wks because of previous abruptions and everything was great, then one morning all looked fine, but 1 1/2 hrs later the baby was dead due to abruption. He said there's nothing they can do to stop them, that's why docs are afraid of them.

So much for making this short huh? Basically the baby factory REALLY is closed, my BP is way high, I'm not having periods, I've gained 10 lbs in 3 months AND…I'm stroking out at the age of 28! Bascially…WHY did I go to this appt again?! LMAO! 

Any questions? This was in one place the copied here, so some of it may not make sense or you don't have the background. I'll answer anything you have questions about! 

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