Tag Archives: weight loss

So, um, I’m losing my pants

15 Oct

That title should get a lot of hits on the ‘ol google machine!

Let’s do a quick update on my weight loss, shall we? As of last Friday, I’m down 46lbs total. I’m in a size 14 (sometimes a 12) pants and Large shirts. HOLY CRAP! I’m shrinking and I love it. I feel better, my ankles and knees feel better and I feel better about myself. Sure I have “fat” days where I think “man, I’ve lost almost 50lbs and I’m still fat” but I pull up a pic of myself when I started and decide that I’m totally rockin’.

The only downside to all this weight loss is my closet. Thankfully my sis sent me some clothes or else I’d be naked by now. All my old stuff is falling off of me or makes me look like I’m wearing a tent. I totally need to go through my clothes and throw the big stuff in a bag to take to Goodwill. While I’m there I need to shop for smaller clothes. I hate spending money on myself, especially knowing that I’ll be out of the 12/14s soon and then those clothes will be donated back to where I purchased them. I have never shopped at a Goodwill (not bragging or anything, hell, most of my wardrobe came from Walmart/Target) but I do not want to spend a ton of money on clothes right now. Plus I can’t; Christmas is coming up and I want to be able to buy buy buy for my kids.

I mean, seriously, I have one pair of slacks that fit now. The rest are so big they fall off or are so baggy it looks like I poo’d my pants. Not attractive at all, people. And these were the clothes I bought snug and tight so I could wear them longer. They lasted a whole 8 weeks. I put on a pair of jeans this morning. The last time I tried them they were pretty tight. So pulled them out this morning, giving them a “go” and I have to keep pulling them up today.

I know it sounds like I’m complaining and you’re probably thinking I’m nuts and I kinda am. I’m bummed that I have to spend money on me on clothes that hopefully won’t fit by December. Tell me how that makes sense? Plus, when am I going to find the time to go shopping? But I gotta do something. I’m pretty sure sagging and showing my panties are not in dress-code! LOL


Smaller goals

6 Aug

I hesitate putting “smaller” goals or even thinking of them that way but I hate the term “short-term” goals. I’m not sure why, that’s exactly what they are. Oh well…semantics.

I had a goal of 195lbs by the end of July (for a wedding)…well I hit that and went a little under. YIPPPEEEEE! So I started thinking of my next goal, my next milestone that I could reach in time for something that means a lot to me. I’ve decided that by late October I want to be 175lbs. I’ll have to bust my ass to get there but it’s totally possible. I want to be smaller for my scrapbook retreat I go to with my sister. I want to get a full body massage while I’m there and not feel self-conscious about me being a whale on the table. I want people to notice that I’ve lost weight (and not just family members) and I want to buy a Large t-shirt instead of XXL. It’s the little things, people.

It’s amazing to me that if I hit that goal (175lbs) I’ll have lost almost 50lbs in this journey and only be 35lbs to my ultimate goal. When I first started sparkpeople.com that year of weight loss looked so daunting. But as I’m hacking away at my fat it doesn’t seem too far out there anymore. I wish I could work out more again, I wish I had the motivation back I had at the beginning but I’m still doing it. I wish I didn’t need a cheatday on Saturdays but I know myself well enough that if I don’t allow a cheat I’ll be more likely to binge on the crap during the week, thus derailing everything because then I’d go down the “shame spiral” and think that I’ve already screwed it up to just keep doing it and start fresh later, but that later would never come. How ’bout THAT for a run-on sentence?! But it also conveys what that spiral is like for me…it’s never ending and it just gets out of control. Allowing one day to have pancakes, or cookies or ice cream then I get rid of that craving and move on.

I know even at 175lbs I’ll still be fat. Even now I’ve lost 30lbs but people still see me as fat. And I’m ok with that, it’s motivation. I am fat. But I’m embracing the skinny inside and soon it’ll show.

Losing weight is mostly mental. Sure there’s the diet, exercise and eating healthy but you have to be in it mentally and trick yourself sometimes as well. I eat off a small plate, I use a small fork. I imagine the size of protein as a deck of cards. The looks of my plate has changed. Before diet it was 60% protein, 30% carbs and 10% veggies, with huge portion of sugar and snacks on the side. Now it’s totally changed. My biggest portion is veggies, then protein and finally carbs. My snacks are fruits and at night I’ll have a low-cal treat. It works for me and I know this is how I’ll eat for the rest of my life. If I don’t then I’ll balloon up again and I don’t want that. I also eat breakfast now, I used to not. I’ve noticed a huge difference in doing so too. I’m not hungry and snacking before lunch. I don’t binge at lunch either.

Geeze, this post has rambled and taken its own direction, huh?

So, on to the next “smaller goal”…as I get smaller.

A lesson in fatness

26 May

Yip, I went there! Apparently people like it when I talk about my obesity, I still get tons of readers and hits on that one “I’m Obese” post.  And I have to say that dammit, it should have! That was a hard post to write and even harder to actually hit publish. No one likes to be honest especially when it comes to their weight. The fact that I actually told people how much I weighed had people emailing me asking what the hell I was thinking!

In order to finally do something about my weight I had to be up front and open about it. I had to confront it head-on and realize that I’M FAT…no it’s not ok and yes it’s lowering my life expectancy. I wanted to do something about it, I HAD to do something about it. So part of me getting off my ass and doing something about my big-ol-ass I had to write how much I weighed.

You see yourself in the mirror and it’s not the same person you remember but, eh, you don’t look too bad. You still picture yourself a size 6 but when you try on clothes you always have to get a 2xl or a 20 and you think…hm, when did that happen? It’s when you see the “real” you, when you realize that you are a fat ass, that hurts. Take a family picture and think, “whoa, I’m huge”. You see a large woman shopping and think damn I’d hate to be that fat but then you both grab the same size clothes off the rack. Those moments hurt like hell.

You’ve all heard that even losing 10% of your body weight will help with diabetes and other health problems. 10%, that’s not too hard really. And if you weigh 200lbs then that’s only 20lbs and it’s amazing what 20lbs difference will make in your appearance and clothes.

I’m not 220lbs anymore and I’m damn happy to say that. I’m not under 200 yet but I’m so close I could cut my hair and probably be there! LOL.  Those that like math, I’ve almost lost my 10%, I’m 25% of the way to my goal weight. My clothes fit better, well they did until they started falling off. I feel a little more secure when I’m naked. I don’t feel bad if I go grocery shopping in my yoga pants (I may or may not have done that today!). My arms are smaller and feel more “defined”.  I haven’t found my abs yet but I’m sure they’re under the huge layers of fat somewhere.

But the one thing you can totally tell…well, just look:

Here I am at 220lbs. This was actually taken in December 2009.

And here I am last night, at a smidge over 200lbs.  Can you notice the difference? Yeah I don’t have 950 chins!

So, I’m on my way, slowly, but I’m getting there. And if you’re overweight or want to lose a few pounds, you just gotta start!

Just not feelin’ it!

4 Apr

I’m not sure if it’s dieting, lack of calories or just sheer exhaustion but I’m just not feeling blogging right now.

I know, horrible, right?

I’ve been so tired lately and can’t quite put my finger on it.  Sean says it’s because I’m not eating as many calories as I was.  But you always hear about how much better you’ll feel when you eat right and exercise.  Not me apparently.  I’m good if I can stay up until 9, I’m usually in bed by 8:30 though.  I’m finding it so hard to even keep the house picked up, laundry done and dinner cooked.  I’m just. So. Tired.

I’ve been working out every day (except for Saturday, that’s my cheat day).  Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday you can find me on the Total Gym (thanks to my Gramma).  Monday, Wednesday and Friday I’m shakin’ my ass on the Wii Fit Plus.  I’m enjoying the working out and eat right is easier than I thought it would be.  But did I mention that I’m just. So. Tired? And sore?

The weight is coming off slower than I’d like.  Although healthy, it’s still slow.  I’m down 5lbs in 3wks.  I’m still on track for getting to my goal weight sometime in November but DAAAAAAAMN.  November, hello?  That’s so far away.

My clothes are fitting better and I’ve even noticed that I’m not as puffy (probably because of all the cokes I cut out) but it’s just not enough.  I want others to see the results and I want Sean to tell me that I’m sexy again.

Is it November yet?

Weigh in tomorrow

25 Mar

It’s sad really.  I’ve now been dieting for a bit now and really didn’t do too well last week honestly.  So, I’ve been being good this week and I swear I pee so much because of the 8 glasses of water!  But now here’s the problem…

What if I didn’t lose weight this week?!  I just weighed in on Monday and had lost 2lbs but I really want to start doing my weight on Fridays.  I’m freaking out that I haven’t lost any over the past few days and I’ll be really disappointed in myself, even though I’ve stuck to the diet more so than last week.

On LA Weight Loss I was getting rid of 4-5lbs a week!  It was flying off and by 10 wks into the program I was down 45lbs.  I have these stupid expectations now. I know it’s unrealistic to lose that much and actually quite unhealthy to do so but 2lbs now just seems so little.  And now I have these stresses that what if I DON’T lose any during the week?  I know myself and if I don’t see results (even if just 2lbs) I’m going to want to quit.  I know I can’t this time but the thought is there. 

When I step on my Wii tomorrow morning I will be filled with dread and just hoping that the little Wii Fit Board will be so happy that I’m going in the right direction.  Maybe I’ll pee and get naked before getting on the board! LMAO!  Any little bit helps, right?!

I’m obese…

11 Mar

I live in one of the fattest cities in America and I add to that statistic.  My name is Melanie and my BMI is 37%, making me morbidly obese.

I was a thin girl growing up. I was active and I danced, a lot.  My high school years I cheered and was an average looking girl. I was ok with how I looked then.  In college, when we got married I weighed 135lbs and danced 5 days a week sometimes for 4+hrs a day, no not THAT type of dance people, get your heads outta the gutter!.  I loved my legs, my dancers legs.  I didn’t much care for my “tummy” but I liked the way I looked in my leo and tights and didn’t mind being in them.  Then the happiness and pregnancies began.

You all know that “I’m happy where I am in my life, I got my man so I don’t care if I gain a little weight”…I was there.  When I got pregnant with Avery, I gained the 25lbs and never lost it.  The depression that came with losing a baby just added to my eating and I was bigger than I ever had been before.  I  got pregnant with Kenna and the weight just piled on again.  I was 190-ish lbs and was embarrassed by my weight.  When Kenna was 2 I started going to LA Weight Loss.  As much as I hated dieting it worked for me and the pounds started flying off, I mean 4-5 sometimes more lbs a week!  I got down to 160, close to my 140lb goal weight.  I felt good. I was shopping in the “normal” sized girl clothing stores again.  It showed, and my husband noticed…knocking me up! LOL

Jackson’s pregnancy was no different from the others weight wise.  The lbs just started snowballing and when he was born I was back into the 180-190s.  The depression was so bad after he was born food was comforting to me.  It was my crutch.

My leg injury helped me become sedentary.  Walking hurt, moving hurt…the bed became my friend.  I saw my weight balloon.

When Jaylon’s pregnancy started I was over 200lbs and sick from the beginning.  I think having the hyperemesis was my body’s way of saying “dude, you CANNOT gain another 30lbs with this pregnancy, you’ll die!”.  In a way I’m thankful I puked the entire time and had Gestational Diabetes, because of those I LOST 30lbs during his pregnancy.  When he was born I felt good.  Not great, hell I was still 190, but better than I had in years.  I was determined to get the weight off.

I didn’t.

Today, according to my Wii Fit, I am 220lbs again.  And I’m crying as I type that.

My husband was a big boy in high school and college.  Through sheer willpower he lost over 100lbs, started lifting weights and was even featured in Muscle and Fitness magazine.  I know he’s disappointed in me but I also know that he will support me and help me in any way he can.

Please don’t judge me, I do enough of that myself.  I hate feeling the way I do and hate looking how I do too.  I rarely look at myself in the mirror and sometimes picture myself as the “old skinny me”.  When I do catch a glimpse of my reflection I’m taken aback.  The legs I see are not mine, these have dimples and cottage cheese.  This tummy that I try to cover with big shirts and jeans isn’t what I remember.  It’s huge, I look 7 months pregnant.  And don’t get me started on the chins where I used to have one.  Finding clothes is almost impossible.  I have to shop in the big girl section and even then they don’t fit right.   It’s impossible to find a shirt that looks good and covers the back fat I have gained.  My arms don’t look good in certain short-sleeved shirts but I live in the equator (not quite but close) during the summer and long sleeves just won’t work.

I have NO will power.  I love to eat.  Everything in my family, even when I was growing up, revolves around “when are we going to eat” or “what are we eating”?  I’m a chocoholic and love anything with sugar.  I’m addicted to pop and eat when I’m bored.

If I do not get a handle on this Type II diabetes is soon to follow, if I don’t already have it.  I won’t be around to see grandkids.  I know my knees and ankles will feel better too.

I’m ready to feel good about myself again.  I’ve joined SparkPeople, it’s a site to help you lose weight.  I figured I’d sign up and log in a few times then quit, but I’m really enjoying it.  You input what you’ve eaten and it comes up with a calorie/fat/protein count.  You can also record how much water you’ve drunk and how many minutes you’ve worked out.  There are message boards filled with people who are going through what you are.

Today was day 1 for me. I haven’t had a pop today (and it’s almost 8pm!) and have had my 8 glasses of water!  I worked out with my Wii Fit for 11 minutes and took a walk today with Jay for 15.  My ankle is killing me but I’ve got to get some exercise somehow.  I have consumed just a little over 1200 calories today and I’m not hungry.  I need to find more protein but other than that I have a pretty good idea of what I can or can’t eat.  I will also have a cheat day every week.  That’s from my hubby and I agree. If you deny yourself all the time you’re more apt to fall off the wagon.  If I allow myself a day or a meal that I eat a treat then hopefully that will help me stay on this for the long-haul.

So, please stick with me.  Support me, not by saying “oh, you shouldn’t have eaten that” or looking at me with that look when I eat a fuckin’ funnel cake next weekend.  Support me with an occasional “oh, you look good” or “you’re doing a great job” even if I’m slipping a little.

Pretty soon, I won’t be a statistic anymore.

Update, sort of

29 Oct

I know, I suck.  I come here and drop a bomb on y'all that we're preggo!  But let me just say there's not much to update about.  I have an appt tomorrow, I'll update more then!

The only thing is the throwing up.  I've lost 18lbs since I got preggo and have a feeling that I'm down 20lbs now.  All I do is puke, if I'm not then I'm sleeping 'cause of the anti-puke meds.  When I do finally eat, it's toast.

So, that's all folks…just a ton of puking!  I'll let you all know tomorrow how the appt goes!

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