A friend

I have a friend whom I met almost 10 years ago, yet I’ve only ever seen her in person two times. We met on an online message board about pregnancy and infant loss. I was mourning the loss of Avery and wasn’t sure where to turn or what to do or how to think or…well, you get the idea, I was lost. In some sick way it was a comfort reading about these other ladies that were going through something similar to what I was, see; I wasn’t the only one dealing with this.

I’m not sure what made me read her story but I felt a blow to my gut when I read her story. Her full term son was born with an umbilical cord issue (I won’t even try to explain it), he lived for a few days and died in his mother’s arms. I felt so sorry for her that she and her hubby had to decide to disconnect life support for their son. I felt that she was going through something so much worse than I was. I sat and wondered what would be easier; a stillborn whom you never get to see alive or a full term baby who is a live for days (weeks, months) and you have to decide when the “right” time to say goodbye is.

The first time we met we sat up drinking, laughing and bawling by a hotel pool. We had this instant connection, something all the other mommy’s there with us couldn’t understand. I told her how I felt, how awful I felt for her. We hugged and cried and laughed and drank some more. She told me later something that I’ll never forget;

It does not matter how long you know your child; if you see them breathing, if they talk to you or if you feel them in your womb, they are still your child and it still hurts like hell when they leave.

So true.

So, here’s to Corbyn, my friend’s baby boy. He would be 10 years old today. You’ve touched more lives than you know and I thank you. Now, enjoy your birthday cake with Avery and Jackson for me.

I have a 9 year old angel

February 22, 2001.  It’s amazing how a day that was 9 years ago still brings tears to my eyes.  I remember it and the days leading up to it like it just happened.

Earlier that month I had gone to Florida to take the dance team I was coach of to Nationals.  I was 24-ish weeks pregnant.  We we came back I had a slight head cold and just felt blah.  Finally I just didn’t feel “right” and called my doc.  I was told to come in to make sure all was ok.  By this time I was 25wks and 6 days pregnant.  They did the doppler and found no heartbeat, and ultrasound was done and showed no flicker of a heart.  Luckily Sean was there with me because I was devastated.  We were told to have another ultrasound tomorrow to make sure our first baby girl had indeed died.

I remember calling my mom and telling her that her first granddaughter was gone.  They immediately got in the car and came to be with us.  I called my co-worker who came over to help me clean the house a smidge and to be there with us until my mom got there.

The next morning we had the ultrasound and the tech said the worst words any mother could ever hear, “I’m sorry”.  The doc told us we had a couple options; wait until my body realized that something wasn’t right and I went into labor on my own or to be induced.  We chose induction the next day since I wanted the experience over.

We went to the hospital in the morning.  Wednesday the 21st we started the induction.  Finally by that night nothing much was happening so we stopped the meds so I could eat and rest that night.  The next day we started up again and it went faster.  Delivering a 26wk baby, I didn’t need to be dilated to 10 and by the afternoon something had changed and the baby was coming out!  I was being wheeled into the delivery room and I couldn’t stop her from coming.  I remember asking for a hand to hold, I needed someone to hold my hands.  In that instant both hands were being held by my mom on one side and my sis on the other.  I needed them and they were there.  Sean couldn’t be in the delivery room since he didn’t want to see the baby (and he’s still never seen her).  Right then out Avery slid, amniotic sac still intact and all.  She weighed 1lb and was 12 inches long.

It was after the delivery is what I don’t really recall.  We planned her little funeral, held her and said our goodbyes.  The next day I was released and we went home to get ready for her funeral which was that day.

I remember her funeral but that’s about all for that day.  We got our dog Hopie then too.  Sean thought she would help me work through my grief and she did, that’s for sure.  I went back to work in about a week but was in a fog for quite a while.

I don’t remember when the fog lifted enough for me to function.  I don’t remember when I smiled again.  I don’t remember when I laughed again.  But it happened.  Then McKenna happened; we got pregnant with her around the 4th of July that same year.

My life, our lives, will never be the same.  Losing our daughter was horrible and I wouldn’t wish that pain on even my worst enemy, but Avery made me who I am today and taught me that life is precious and fragile.  I’d never go through another pregnancy the same either.   Her body is buried in Amarillo, her brother is next to her, but her spirit is watching over us every day.

McKenna BoBenna

Oh, my McKenna.  I don’t even know where to start with her sometimes.  She’s so frustrating and I know it’s just going to get worse as she gets older.  I thought I had a few more “attitude free” years but NOPE!  I ask her to do something and she huffs and puffs and slams her door.  She throws herself on the floor in a fit of crying and screaming.  I constantly hear “ughs”, “humpfs”, and “uuughs” out of her and it’s not getting better.

But, aside from the McKenna that makes me want to pull out my hair and run screaming into the street, there’s the sweet Kenna that I don’t want to see grow up.   She can tell the most wonderful stories, tell the most awfully unfunny jokes (but you gotta laugh!) and give some of the best hugs I’ve ever been lucky enough to receive.

She always used to ask me when she would become a big sister.  When she was old enough I finally told her that she was a big sister already.  I remember her looking at me like I had grown a 2nd head, she didn’t understand.  I told her the story of Jackson, told her that Momma was pregnant before but her baby brother was in heaven along with her big sister.  Somehow, in her 5-year-old mind, she understood.  She hugged me as I cried telling ther the story.  She’s even seen her baby brother’s picture.  I won’t let her see Avery’s picture yet.  Avery had been gone longer than Jackson, so she looked “dead”.  I don’t want her to see that and feel that pain; not yet, not ever.  But Jackson looked asleep and she asked to see him, so I said ok.  She handled it very well.  I told her that he looked just like her, just like Avery did too, and now just like Jaylon.  She smiled and handed back the picture and wiped a tear from my cheek.

She’s always been the “motherly” type.  That became even more apparent when Jaylon was born.  She wanted to hold him, feed him, change him, get him dressed and even bathe him.  She even changed his diaper when he was a few weeks old!  I didn’t realize it until she exclaimed how proud she was, and honestly she did damn good!

Jaylon loves it when his Big Sister comes into the room.  He smiles and jumps or giggles or just makes happy baby sounds.  It melts my heart because I know how much she wanted to be a Big Sister to a baby on earth.

I say all the time how much Jay has completed our family; that he is what we needed.  But honestly, I think he completed McKenna more than we’ll ever know!

Today…

is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Send all the families you know who have felth the pain of losing a child a huge hug today. Let them know that you care and you REMEMBER!

I am Melanie:
Mommy to 6 babies!
Miscarriage – 2000
Avery Michelle – stillborn Februrary 22, 2001
McKenna RaeAnn – March 14, 2002 (happy and healthy 7 1/2 years old now!)
Jackson William – stillborn August 16, 2004
Miscarriage – 2006
Jaylon Reid – April 21, 2009 (happy and drooly 5 1/2 months old now!)

Remember my babies and others who play in heaven together!

Equal?

When I was pregnant I never worried about loving the new baby as much as I loved Kenna.  I worried about Kenna being pushed aside and not feeling loved.  I worried about how I could take care of a new baby when I was in pain 95% of the time.  I worried.  I still worry.

I know I love Jay just as much as I love Kenna.  I think I still give Kenna as much attention and love as before, if not more because I’m acutely aware of it. ..

But do I like them equally? I know, horrible subject right?! 

McKenna was wanted, was tried for and it took alot to get her here.  I worried the entire 9 months and even when I was in labor I was still freaking out.  It wasn’t until she came out, cried and her breathing calmed down when I could take a breath myself.  She’s been my Bebe for 7 years and will always be.  She’s my girl, my sugar britches, MY McKenna.

Jaylon was a surprise.  We thought we were done.  It was a pretty care-free pregnancy, if you can have such a thing after losing so many babies.  Yes I hurled, alot.  Yes I had Gestational Diabetes.  But I only freaked out around the 26wk mark, not the entire time.  He’s my Bubba, my Babykins and my Bubby.

But I’m worried I like one more than the other.  Notice I didn’t say LOVE.  I love them both the same, with my entire heart, so much that it hurts somedays.  But like…that’s a different story.  I feel like a horrible, horrible mother for just typing this.  You’re not supposed to feel this way about your kids, but I can’t help it.

Is it wrong that I like one more?  Or do I need counselling for me and the kids when they get older?!  And if moms sometimes feel this way, will it ever change?

Have you held an angel?

I have a few blogs that I read daily.  It's like they are my friends and their blogs keep me informed.  One recent post on one of the blogs asked for the readers to visit or pray for another in the blogging community.  She had just lost her twin boys around the middle of her pregnancy.  I have no clue the exact reasons but my heart went out to her and I emailed her my story, just to let her know she was not alone. 

She wrote a very painful and raw post on Mother's day which got me thinking.  I've been meaning to write something like this for a while but it's hard to put into words, so you'll have to bear with me when I ramble.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a mother, a family, loses a child no matter what age it hurts, hurts like hell. But you know, as cliche as this is, it will get better.  Having losses in 2000, 2001, 2004 and 2006 I know a little on the subject.  For those just joining or just finding me, the babies in 2000 and 2006 were early miscarriages which happened on their own; the 2001 child was our first daughter, Avery and in 2004 our son Jackson.  Both stillborn at 26 weeks.

But, back to what I was saying.  It'll get better.  It still hurts and I still cry but it's not as raw.  It's not burning like salt on a wound, it's not uncontrolled sobbing much anymore and the anger is not as deep.  I do not want you to think that I am happy every day, I do not want you to think that I never think of my babies, nor do I want you to think that I don't care.  But it's DIFFERENT than it was in the early 2000's…hell, even just a few years ago.  I think of my angels every single day, I'm even fighting tears as I write this.  But now, after these hard and excruciating years, it's a different cry.  You will forever miss your child, whether they were miscarriages that you didn't get to meet, stillborns that were already gone, children you got to have in your life for longer or even older children.  There's one thing…parent's should never have to bury THIER children.  I still get mad that I had to pick out two headstones, but I got to do something that I bet you never have, I've got to hold not one angel, but two!

God did not give you this child and take him/her from you to teach you a lesson, to be mean.  God has our children because they were destined for something better.  Now, go ahead and disagree with me because NO I do not intend to know exactly what God does and why, but I do know that without these angels in my life I wouldn't know some people I do today. Think about how often you hear now of someone losing a child?  People are more open about it now and it's wonderful, for a sad reason.  Avery and Jackson have brought some awesome people in my life, have allowed me to really truly and honestly know what someone is going through when they lose a child, have given me the ability to share my story to hopefully help other families in this situation and have also let me come closer to God.  I got to hold his angels, I got to carry his angels and I helped grow some of his angels.

Now, again, don't get me wrong, I hated Him for a while, but I now understand a little more and realize that even with all this shitty pain, depression, anxiety, taking my fears out on Kenna and everything else that has changed in me since my first loss, I'M FRICKIN' SPECIAL!  My babies have some really great other kids to play with up There…I have angels to watch over me all the time.

In all my rambling I hope this makes sense.  If you've had a miscarriage and didn't know the sex of the child you carried, still, give him/her a name.  It'll make it easier, even if it's a nickname.  Cherish and always think of the time you did have with your child, no matter when they passed.  I promise, it will get better, easier in some way on each angelversary.  You will still cry, you will still be mad, you will still laugh then be mad at yourself for laughing, but it's ok.  Smile because you got to hold an angel….in your arms or your womb and your HEART!

I ask you this, my awesome readers…Have you held an angel, 'cause I have!

 

Baby-Angel-Print-C10284820

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Mother’s Day reflection

You know Mother's day was yesterday.  Although it was a wonderful day including sleeping in, flowers and cards picked out from Kenna and Sean, a nice dinner with dessert and tons of cute little notes from Kenna all day (i.e. I love you mom) it also had a tinge of sadness too.

This special holiday for us moms has been a good one for the past 5 years for me because of Kenna.  I'm so happy that she's now getting older to write me notes and honestly tell me that she loves me.  It always makes me laugh and I'm so blessed.

While I'm happy to have Kenna here it always enters my mind that I should have at least 2 more children to write me notes on this day too.  I remember my FIRST mother's day after Avery was born.  I went to my old place of work, the local grocery store, and one of my previous co-workers knew I had been preggo but didn't know of the ins and outs of Avery's birth/passing.  So, we were there with some friends to get stuff to cook out, because Sean and our neighbors wanted me to have a happy day, remembering our daughter.  This old co-worker checking us out told me "Happy Mother's Day".  I politely said thank you and walked to the car.  I sat in the back and bawled like a baby.  Yes I was a mother, even then when Avery was in heaven, I didn't feel like it, it was a slap in the face.  In a way that pain still comes creeping in on this special day.  I hurt still, I hurt for others in my situation who have lost babies and I hurt for MY babies.  I'm sure it'll still be painful every year, but I'm just so so so so so…did I say so, THANKFUL for McKenna!

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Breakdown…at work!

I think I'm a strong person.  I have days, weeks and occasionally a bad month here and there, but overall I'm pretty eff'ing strong.  I thought that, until yesterday at work.  Here's some background for you:

1. Avery's birthday is Friday the 22nd.  She would have been 7 this year.  I miss her tons but for the most part I smile when I think of her, rarely do I feel the burning of tears in my eyes when I think of her or hear her name.

2. I work for 10 hrs a day.  On the phones for 8 hrs and 50 mins of these 10 hrs per day…I'm an insurance agent (it's nice saying that, not just customer service or phone work).  95% of my calls are from military members and their families.  Sometimes I get a call like I did on Tuesday, which is the reason for this post.

The call started out completely normal, ie I need an insurance card and other questions.  Then the call changed.  I heard the cutest little noise on the phone, which I knew immediately as a newborn nursing.  So, I had already started a relationship with this younger woman so I asked about the noise.  She informed me that the noise was her 9 week old daughter, Avery.  The more and more we talked the more I learned about her situation.  This simple call drew into a 45 minute discussion about her young husband in Iraq missing the birth of their first child. She and Avery are living with some friends who's husband is also deployed.  I got the young woman's car insurance taken care of but realized that we (my company) had more to offer her.  I got our bank on the line since she had a credit card with us and I got her interest rate lower because of her deployed honey, down from 17.9% to 4% for a year.  This young mom was totally stoked that I even thought of that, she thanked me profusely for helping her and her family.  This is when the call turned into a heartbreaker.  I told her it was the very least I could do because of her and her family's sacrifice while her husband is overseas.  I explained that I appreciated everything that she and her husband are giving up for me and my family.  Because of their selflessness my family is free and living how we are.  I thanked her for trusting my company and also advised her to have a great day (the norm at the end of every call for me) then I said it…"give Avery a big hug for me".  The young woman just giggled and said "I sure will", while I choked an "ok" from my throat and fought back the all too familiar burn in my eyes.  I had to finish the call, hang up the phone and walk away. 

I went to the bathroom with red eyes and mascara stained cheeks and finally realized I needed to call my mom.  Mom said the usual wonderful things a mom says and it helped and had me smiling at the end of our call thank goodness.

So much of me was embarassed to breakdown at work, to call my mommy crying but mainly I just felt silly for getting so "involved" with a customer on the phone like that.  After a few moments I realized THAT is what makes me kick ass at my job.  That's why I'm not just answering calls all day.  I mean maybe I made that young woman smile, maybe when she sees her Avery she'll always know to treasure and cherish every moment with her and maybe, just maybe, she'll now know that even with her husband overseas others care for her even though we've never met.

I think I was supposed to get that call yesterday…this week.  I never forget about my angels, all of them, but I think it was God's way or letting me know that she is doing ok and she still thinks about me too!

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2nd opinion…why did I go?

I have no clue where to even begin.

I'll make this short (not really, but whatever), but basically he said that after reviewing my file (which he did while I sat there) he said that he read a case done last year with women who had abrupted badly enough to loose their babies. Of those women 10% abrupted again and lost the babies again. He said he doesn't feel comfortable telling me what my chances of having another baby die or me die, but based on that case study he said that if I did get preggers that I'd have a 10% chance that I'd abrupt at some point and baby would die. He explained that it's not just losing the baby but he said about the DIC and me getting sick again. he told me that he's only treated/seen 7 women that lived after going through DIC and I was one. So, he told me NOT to have any more, but he did say that he can't decide for us and we'll have to make the decision, but he would strongly advise against it.

Then he told me that I need to be on bp meds and so he hooked me up with a family practioner to see (no appt date set yet) to get on those and to talk to him about my migranes. He's afraid I'm having the TIAs and so he doens't know what they'd do for me.

THEN…he tells me that he thinks I have PCOS, but wants me to see an OB/gyn about it since he doesn't deal with non preggers PCOS patients. I have an appt on May 9th with the Ob/gyn to talk to him about that and possibly do an IUD or to tie my tubes.

He was an awesome doc…I really liked him and he was great with Kenna. He even said he knows what it's like to have one kid and want another but can't for some reason. he said he and his wife went through that and decided after years to just be happy with their first. He had a good head on his shoulders and even understood that wasn't wha I wanted to hear, but knew that I NEEDED to hear it. He put it really well that your heart wants it, but you have to convince your brain, sometimes hearing it 2x makes it more real. He said their infertility group is great if we want to do surogacy, but we can talk about that later again.

He told me this story of a woman he treated and had 5 stillbirths, after each he told her not to do it again, but she kept on and on. Her depression kept getting worse each time and finally she had her 6th stillborn and went home and killed herself. He said he's never forgave himself for that because he felt he could have done more to stop her from having more babies, but he said all he can do is tell us what he thinks and go with it.

If I do get preggers, he told me he'd treat me and "throw all the black magic he could at me because he'd be worried about giving someone who went through DIC an anticoagulant (heparin, lovenox)", he'd also see me every week from 19wks on and u/s every week to. But docs are afraid of abruptions and they can happen in seconds. He had a woman in the hospital for 20 wks because of previous abruptions and everything was great, then one morning all looked fine, but 1 1/2 hrs later the baby was dead due to abruption. He said there's nothing they can do to stop them, that's why docs are afraid of them.

So much for making this short huh? Basically the baby factory REALLY is closed, my BP is way high, I'm not having periods, I've gained 10 lbs in 3 months AND…I'm stroking out at the age of 28! Bascially…WHY did I go to this appt again?! LMAO! 

 

Any questions? This was in one place the copied here, so some of it may not make sense or you don't have the background. I'll answer anything you have questions about! 

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Our story…

Well, I figured I had better let y'all in on us…why we're here, who we are and just a little background for you.  I guess it's best to start from the beginning huh, so here it goes.

 

We were married in May of 2000.  Two weeks before we got married we found out we were already expecting.  I was excited, no one knew except for me, Sean and my sister.  Just a few days later we lost our baby.  I was clueless, I had never been pregnant, never lost a baby and wasn't sure what to do.  We just went on like usual, and still no one knew.  After our honeymoon I was ready to be a mom.  Soon after we got pregnant again, on Labor Day weekend actually!  Everything was going along just fine and dandy then one day I just didn't feel "right".  We went to the doctor and were told some of the worst news no one should hear.  Our daughter, Avery, was gone.  I was 26 wks pregnant.  After more testing to make sure and a horribly long induction, our little 1 lb baby was born.  Although tiny, she was perfect.

 

We got pregnant soon after again and had another semi-easy pregnancy.  Well, the pregnancy was ok; it was my mental state that sucked.  I was a nervous wreck…checking the toilet paper in the early stages of pregnancy, begging the baby later on to "just kick again, please", and then counting the minutes between contractions…way too soon.  Our next daughter, Kenna, wanted out a little too early, at 30 weeks to be exact.  So, I was put on bed rest and terbutaline for 8 weeks or so.  I had weekly NST's and doctor's appointments, it was not fun, but it was necessary.  Then I had to be induced, the irony of it, and Kenna came out just fine, sort of.  My placenta looked like hell, Kenna wasn't breathing all that great but she was alive and screaming.

 

Our next baby, a son named Jackson, was a surprise.  I was nervous from the beginning and nothing ever felt "right" about that pregnancy.  I spotted from early on, was put on bed rest for a few days here and there for the bleeding, itched like crazy and didn't feel like everything was ok.  You know, a mother's intuition…something just wasn't right.  I woke up on August 16th sick, hurting like you can't imagine, I couldn't stand I was dizzy, throwing up and couldn't even really keep a coherent thought in my head.  I was 26 wks again, D-day for us.  It took us over an hour to get to the hospital since we lived in the middle of nowhere.  By the time we got there I had been passing out in the car and didn't know it.  As I was getting my vitals done I was throwing up again and thought my water had broken or I pee'd the bed (we're being honest here!).  Little did I know that it wasn't amniotic fluid or urine, it was blood and a ton of it.  My blood pressure crashed and the doc finally came in.  Now this is where I add some more info about my doctor.  This blog is not to bash him, diss him or slander the guy so I'll refrain from telling you his name, but he screwed up and BIG TIME!  He was the one who delivered Kenna so I think he thought all was well, but he pretty much ignored me this entire pregnancy.  He came in a long while after I had been at the hospital, he even knew I was coming; I had called him before we left our house.  He finally realized how bad of shape I was in and finally did something about it.  I had to have a central line put in, given too many pints of blood to count and eventually after 8-ish hours I went into an "emergency" c-section.  Our son was gone; he was gone before we got to the hospital.  Another baby gone, another 26 wk stillborn.  I don't remember too much of that day since I was in and out of it, but I do remember telling the nurse before we knew for sure that Jackson was gone that "we'd already lost one baby, please don't say that we lost another".  I was in ICU for a few days, the day after was when I woke up with the ventilator down my throat still asking the nurse what happened (writing it actually).  She told me that the baby was gone, which I remembered already, told me I had a c-section, I remembered that too, told me I still had my uterus, which I was thankful for and told me that I went into DIC, which I won't spell out.  After shift-change, the vent coming out and my oh so demeaning sponge bath, I asked my new nurse what really happened.  He said something that I will never forget, "DIC…wow, we don't see many of you up here, most of y'all end up in the morgue." 

 

While in the hospital I told Sean that I can't do this again, I couldn't be in the hospital going home with no baby again, I almost died…but the desire for more babies is apparently too much.  We got pregnant again just this past month and three days later I woke up to another miscarriage.  But, there is good news…

 

I finally have a new ob/gyn and a specialist who are in the process of doing tons of blood work.  So, there's a brief, if you can call it that, history of us.  This blog is about what the docs find out, how we will treat it and hopefully you can join us through a scary, nerve-wracking yet healthy pregnancy.

 

Thanks for reading!

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