I have a 9 year old angel

February 22, 2001.  It’s amazing how a day that was 9 years ago still brings tears to my eyes.  I remember it and the days leading up to it like it just happened.

Earlier that month I had gone to Florida to take the dance team I was coach of to Nationals.  I was 24-ish weeks pregnant.  We we came back I had a slight head cold and just felt blah.  Finally I just didn’t feel “right” and called my doc.  I was told to come in to make sure all was ok.  By this time I was 25wks and 6 days pregnant.  They did the doppler and found no heartbeat, and ultrasound was done and showed no flicker of a heart.  Luckily Sean was there with me because I was devastated.  We were told to have another ultrasound tomorrow to make sure our first baby girl had indeed died.

I remember calling my mom and telling her that her first granddaughter was gone.  They immediately got in the car and came to be with us.  I called my co-worker who came over to help me clean the house a smidge and to be there with us until my mom got there.

The next morning we had the ultrasound and the tech said the worst words any mother could ever hear, “I’m sorry”.  The doc told us we had a couple options; wait until my body realized that something wasn’t right and I went into labor on my own or to be induced.  We chose induction the next day since I wanted the experience over.

We went to the hospital in the morning.  Wednesday the 21st we started the induction.  Finally by that night nothing much was happening so we stopped the meds so I could eat and rest that night.  The next day we started up again and it went faster.  Delivering a 26wk baby, I didn’t need to be dilated to 10 and by the afternoon something had changed and the baby was coming out!  I was being wheeled into the delivery room and I couldn’t stop her from coming.  I remember asking for a hand to hold, I needed someone to hold my hands.  In that instant both hands were being held by my mom on one side and my sis on the other.  I needed them and they were there.  Sean couldn’t be in the delivery room since he didn’t want to see the baby (and he’s still never seen her).  Right then out Avery slid, amniotic sac still intact and all.  She weighed 1lb and was 12 inches long.

It was after the delivery is what I don’t really recall.  We planned her little funeral, held her and said our goodbyes.  The next day I was released and we went home to get ready for her funeral which was that day.

I remember her funeral but that’s about all for that day.  We got our dog Hopie then too.  Sean thought she would help me work through my grief and she did, that’s for sure.  I went back to work in about a week but was in a fog for quite a while.

I don’t remember when the fog lifted enough for me to function.  I don’t remember when I smiled again.  I don’t remember when I laughed again.  But it happened.  Then McKenna happened; we got pregnant with her around the 4th of July that same year.

My life, our lives, will never be the same.  Losing our daughter was horrible and I wouldn’t wish that pain on even my worst enemy, but Avery made me who I am today and taught me that life is precious and fragile.  I’d never go through another pregnancy the same either.   Her body is buried in Amarillo, her brother is next to her, but her spirit is watching over us every day.

McKenna BoBenna

Oh, my McKenna.  I don’t even know where to start with her sometimes.  She’s so frustrating and I know it’s just going to get worse as she gets older.  I thought I had a few more “attitude free” years but NOPE!  I ask her to do something and she huffs and puffs and slams her door.  She throws herself on the floor in a fit of crying and screaming.  I constantly hear “ughs”, “humpfs”, and “uuughs” out of her and it’s not getting better.

But, aside from the McKenna that makes me want to pull out my hair and run screaming into the street, there’s the sweet Kenna that I don’t want to see grow up.   She can tell the most wonderful stories, tell the most awfully unfunny jokes (but you gotta laugh!) and give some of the best hugs I’ve ever been lucky enough to receive.

She always used to ask me when she would become a big sister.  When she was old enough I finally told her that she was a big sister already.  I remember her looking at me like I had grown a 2nd head, she didn’t understand.  I told her the story of Jackson, told her that Momma was pregnant before but her baby brother was in heaven along with her big sister.  Somehow, in her 5-year-old mind, she understood.  She hugged me as I cried telling ther the story.  She’s even seen her baby brother’s picture.  I won’t let her see Avery’s picture yet.  Avery had been gone longer than Jackson, so she looked “dead”.  I don’t want her to see that and feel that pain; not yet, not ever.  But Jackson looked asleep and she asked to see him, so I said ok.  She handled it very well.  I told her that he looked just like her, just like Avery did too, and now just like Jaylon.  She smiled and handed back the picture and wiped a tear from my cheek.

She’s always been the “motherly” type.  That became even more apparent when Jaylon was born.  She wanted to hold him, feed him, change him, get him dressed and even bathe him.  She even changed his diaper when he was a few weeks old!  I didn’t realize it until she exclaimed how proud she was, and honestly she did damn good!

Jaylon loves it when his Big Sister comes into the room.  He smiles and jumps or giggles or just makes happy baby sounds.  It melts my heart because I know how much she wanted to be a Big Sister to a baby on earth.

I say all the time how much Jay has completed our family; that he is what we needed.  But honestly, I think he completed McKenna more than we’ll ever know!

Sleep, or lack thereof

The early worm gets the worm, huh?  Well I personally don’t like worms and would much rather sleep in and get pizza when I wake up. 

Not. My. Son.

He, somehow, is a morning person. I’m not quite sure how this happened but it needs to stop.  Never fail…4-4:45 am he’ll wake up ready to play.  He sleeps in our room still so it’s hard to let him CIO at 4am.  But lemme just tell you, as soon as he gets his cute little butt in his own room…let the crying it out begin!

Because of these little wake up calls, I’m exhausted.  I can’t clean the house because I have a 20lb wart that cries when I get out of eyesight.  Showers are few and far between and then only at night.  I don’t remember Kenna being this “needy” at 6 months old.  But then again, I don’t really remember much when Kenna was 6 months.  Around this time with her I was in a deep depression (postpartum depression and just general anxiety/depression), my hubby resigned from his job leaving us with no income, we moved to a different state and our little family was just in a general upheaval.  So, this may be normal, maybe I just blocked it out! LOL

Hm, I think I’m just babbling now, probably due to lack of sleep!  Tee hee hee!

Thank goodness my kids are cute!  And even with all this tiredness and clingy-ness (is that a word?), I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and I love my life.

My son

My son is a hoot. Yes, he drives me nuts by not sleeping only “power-napping” every few hours…yes he drives me nuts by finding his voice. But he’s such a hoot I can’t help find myself laughing at/with him every chance I get. He’s just so durn lovable and squishable and kissable and I can’t stop!

 

Equal?

When I was pregnant I never worried about loving the new baby as much as I loved Kenna.  I worried about Kenna being pushed aside and not feeling loved.  I worried about how I could take care of a new baby when I was in pain 95% of the time.  I worried.  I still worry.

I know I love Jay just as much as I love Kenna.  I think I still give Kenna as much attention and love as before, if not more because I’m acutely aware of it. ..

But do I like them equally? I know, horrible subject right?! 

McKenna was wanted, was tried for and it took alot to get her here.  I worried the entire 9 months and even when I was in labor I was still freaking out.  It wasn’t until she came out, cried and her breathing calmed down when I could take a breath myself.  She’s been my Bebe for 7 years and will always be.  She’s my girl, my sugar britches, MY McKenna.

Jaylon was a surprise.  We thought we were done.  It was a pretty care-free pregnancy, if you can have such a thing after losing so many babies.  Yes I hurled, alot.  Yes I had Gestational Diabetes.  But I only freaked out around the 26wk mark, not the entire time.  He’s my Bubba, my Babykins and my Bubby.

But I’m worried I like one more than the other.  Notice I didn’t say LOVE.  I love them both the same, with my entire heart, so much that it hurts somedays.  But like…that’s a different story.  I feel like a horrible, horrible mother for just typing this.  You’re not supposed to feel this way about your kids, but I can’t help it.

Is it wrong that I like one more?  Or do I need counselling for me and the kids when they get older?!  And if moms sometimes feel this way, will it ever change?

Finally, a new page!

It’s been forever since I really scrapped, and it took me 4 hrs to do this one simple page. But I have a newborn again, I was doing laundry, cleaning the house, cooking dinner and scrapbooking all at the same time, so of course it took me forever! I scraplifted the idea from “Get Creative with Type” by Brian Tippetts. If you’re a font whore, like myself, you’ll love this book by CK, plus there’s a cd included with freebies!

Without further ado:

 

McKenna’s “You are loved” page is coming soon.

Ghost teeth

Jay has been teething for, not kidding, 5 weeks or so.  It’s driving me crazy so I can only imagine what it’s doing to him!  You can see the teeth, you can feel the teeth, the gums are swollen and everything but they just haven’t broken through yet.  He’s fussy, drooly and just down right unhappy.  He hasn’t been sleeping well either.  I know I’ll be happy when they come in finally, and he will be too!

By myself

I dropped my two kids off with NaNa and Grandpa Chris today.  I cried.  My mother is quite capable of taking care of children, so I’m not worried about them, but still it’s hard.  Packing up all their clothes and stuff and placing it into the truck; buckling their car seats in and shutting the door was heart wrenching. So, I was by myself in the car for a little over 2 hrs while driving back to my sister’s house.  I played the music way too loud and sang along (poorly I may add!).  It was so strange being by myself.  I would look in the backseat when I’d change lanes and there wouldn’t be a cute little girl looking at me with a smile.  There were no questions, no coos, no laughing from the backseat, it was quiet.  The only way you would know I have children is the huge amounts of crayons and toys (and stains) in the back seat.  Not only was the back empty of kids, noises and car seats; so was my heart.

I first left my daughter with someone other than me when she was 6 months old and now my son at 3 months.  I’m never away from them and I needed a break.  Time to spend with my sisters; reconnecting and laughing, eating and drinking, tanning and swimming.  While I’m looking forward to this time, I will also miss my kids terribly!

Pics

i have one hand right now since the other is cradeling Jay, so this will be fast.  we're doing great.  jay had surgery last month for pyloric stenosis, a huge surprise that came on very quickly.  he's now 13lbs 2oz and is 22 1/2" long.  here are pics that i took for sean's father's day gift:

 

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Kenna's first solo diaper change…she is an AWESOME big sis!

 

Soooooo, there ya go for now…

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Thrust into parenting multiple children

Today was going to be a big day for me.  Family all finally gone, the last bunch leaving early this morning, Sean going back to work and Kenna in school, leaving me and Jay alone trying to figure out a routine and what would work for us.  Sean would take Kenna to school, since I can’t drive yet, then he’d come home early so we could all go get her and head to Jay’s first ped appt.

Then life happened.

Kenna woke up at 3 am puking.  I didn’t know it, her Gramma woke up and tended to her, which was awfully nice but I still wish I knew.  I feel bad I wasn’t there to hold her hair as she hurled or rub her back.  She’s puked a few more times this morning and can’t even keep the little Pepto tablets down.  She has no fever but is white as a sheet. 

So, I’m now thrust into parenting mulitple children, one being a newborn that I want to keep away from his puking big sister.  Wow…what a first day by myself!