A friend

I have a friend whom I met almost 10 years ago, yet I’ve only ever seen her in person two times. We met on an online message board about pregnancy and infant loss. I was mourning the loss of Avery and wasn’t sure where to turn or what to do or how to think or…well, you get the idea, I was lost. In some sick way it was a comfort reading about these other ladies that were going through something similar to what I was, see; I wasn’t the only one dealing with this.

I’m not sure what made me read her story but I felt a blow to my gut when I read her story. Her full term son was born with an umbilical cord issue (I won’t even try to explain it), he lived for a few days and died in his mother’s arms. I felt so sorry for her that she and her hubby had to decide to disconnect life support for their son. I felt that she was going through something so much worse than I was. I sat and wondered what would be easier; a stillborn whom you never get to see alive or a full term baby who is a live for days (weeks, months) and you have to decide when the “right” time to say goodbye is.

The first time we met we sat up drinking, laughing and bawling by a hotel pool. We had this instant connection, something all the other mommy’s there with us couldn’t understand. I told her how I felt, how awful I felt for her. We hugged and cried and laughed and drank some more. She told me later something that I’ll never forget;

It does not matter how long you know your child; if you see them breathing, if they talk to you or if you feel them in your womb, they are still your child and it still hurts like hell when they leave.

So true.

So, here’s to Corbyn, my friend’s baby boy. He would be 10 years old today. You’ve touched more lives than you know and I thank you. Now, enjoy your birthday cake with Avery and Jackson for me.

Why, yes it is!

A bulleted post, I know you’re happy.  See, I’ve just let so much time go by without blogging that the only way to kind of catch up is to bullet it.

• Hazel was NOT a hernia. In fact, the bitch was a nasty abscess. How do I know this? Well, she exploded last week and it was nasty; I was soaked with goo. It didn’t hurt, actually the opposite. It felt so much better. I cleaned it really good and had to keep a band-aid on it for about a week since she was still oozing. It’s still purple-ish but I’m afraid it will be for a while. I have no clue how or why I got one of these but I sure in the shit don’t want one again.
• Kenna’s out of school and has been one busy Bebe.  Softball all-stars practice, tournaments, ballet class, rehearsals and then recital. Now all that’s left is softball. Recital was last night and she did beautifully! She looked so pretty and wasn’t nervous at all. I was quite proud!

• Jay is standing on his own now and is quite proud of himself.  He still holds on quite a bit but at least he’s learning how to balance a little more.  And he took 3 steps! However, he now thinks it’s fun to not move his legs but fall forward so I catch him.  He’s also sick right now, snotty nose and cough, not fun!
• I’m at 200.1lbs…I mean I’m so damn close but last week I didn’t even lose 1lb! To shake things up a tad I’m going to take a ballet class in July, maybe that’ll help the weight come off! I miss dancing so much and I really hope my ankle can handle it.  We’ll see I guess!
• I had a great tasting this weekend. No new tastings booked from it right now though.  I have 2-3 that may come from it but not until July and Aug/Sept. I’m a little frustrated ’cause now I’m done…no tastings booked at all and I’ve already tapped out friends around here. I don’t have many friends anyway and the ones I do don’t drink or like wine.  Oh well. I mainly did this for fun and to get out of the house every once in a while but it’d be nice to make some bank doing it!
• I think that’s all. I needed to write a post but just not feeling it. My book has stalled because I just don’t have the energy right now to sit and type it.  I have good ideas for it and I think I know where I want to take it but just need to “umpf” to do it.
• It’s 7:36 and I’m going to have a glass of wine and go to bed soon!

Tap, tap, tap…anyone here?

Ok, should I be upset that even though I haven’t posted in how long again…my stats are actually better?! LMAO!  That shit ain’t right.

Well, by request of Pinkknotes I’m blogging for the first time in sooooooo long!  Damn I love that gal and the funny thing is I’ve never met her! She started with a simple blog comment and our relationships has blossomed into a freaky-kinky-love-fest!  Ha! You really should follow both of us on twitter and you’ll see how we talk about sex toys and awesome things that begin with “p” and end with “enis” and having a threesome.  Oh yeah…we’re freaky like that! (BTW, the threesome was for photography lessons, not sex but the other stuff was totally sexually related!).

Oh yeah, my blog post…well I have a new “job”.  I use the term loosely because at this point it so does not feel like a job.  I’m now an Independent Wine Consultant! It’s rockin’ because I basically take wine to my host’s house and bring the wine country to them!  I get to meet other people in my area, get to get away from my kids (yes I just said that) and I get to make some money in the mean time.  Not to mention that I also get wine and I HAVE to drink it as a part of my “research” and it’s tax-deductible! HA!  I mean, seriously, it doesn’t get any better!  If you haven’t looked head to HeyWineLady.com and see what I can offer you.  Now the bad part is we can only ship to certain states, so be sure we can ship to you before you order.  I can come to your home and have a tasting if you live in the San Antonio/Austin/Houston area.  I’m even going to have a tasting in the Amarillo area for my mom (and all her Catholic friends, you know how they like wine!…and yes I just said that too).  I think I’ll make a few hundred every month until I get going and then the chance to make even more is there too.  Not too bad really, especially for something that I enjoy and I don’t need to have a sitter!  By the way we also have a wine club (who doesn’t like wine delivered to their door every month), personalized wine labels and gift baskets!  Seriously, check it out…NOW!

I had to get a new computer (YEAH!).  My old one died like I’ve never seen a computer die before.  So we bit the bullet and purchased a new one…I want to sleep with it and sniff the yummy electronic smell.  Yeah, yeah, yeah…you know new electronics smell good! I love it…it’s so fast and shiny and it doesn’t ever “not respond”!  Ooohhh…what did I ever do before.

I’d hate to overwhelm y’all with a crazy long post after being gone for so long so I’ll leave y’all wanting more!  Oooh, wait…as of today I’m down 15.5lbs!  It’s coming off way slower than I want and at the pace I’m on now I’ll hit my goal by this time next year!  But I do have arm muscles…not just flab that just waves when I do.  I still haven’t found my abs, they’re under a layer of fat still hanging on but I have found a HUGE lump of scar tissue from my c-section that hurts but that’s for another blog post! HA!

I have a 9 year old angel

February 22, 2001.  It’s amazing how a day that was 9 years ago still brings tears to my eyes.  I remember it and the days leading up to it like it just happened.

Earlier that month I had gone to Florida to take the dance team I was coach of to Nationals.  I was 24-ish weeks pregnant.  We we came back I had a slight head cold and just felt blah.  Finally I just didn’t feel “right” and called my doc.  I was told to come in to make sure all was ok.  By this time I was 25wks and 6 days pregnant.  They did the doppler and found no heartbeat, and ultrasound was done and showed no flicker of a heart.  Luckily Sean was there with me because I was devastated.  We were told to have another ultrasound tomorrow to make sure our first baby girl had indeed died.

I remember calling my mom and telling her that her first granddaughter was gone.  They immediately got in the car and came to be with us.  I called my co-worker who came over to help me clean the house a smidge and to be there with us until my mom got there.

The next morning we had the ultrasound and the tech said the worst words any mother could ever hear, “I’m sorry”.  The doc told us we had a couple options; wait until my body realized that something wasn’t right and I went into labor on my own or to be induced.  We chose induction the next day since I wanted the experience over.

We went to the hospital in the morning.  Wednesday the 21st we started the induction.  Finally by that night nothing much was happening so we stopped the meds so I could eat and rest that night.  The next day we started up again and it went faster.  Delivering a 26wk baby, I didn’t need to be dilated to 10 and by the afternoon something had changed and the baby was coming out!  I was being wheeled into the delivery room and I couldn’t stop her from coming.  I remember asking for a hand to hold, I needed someone to hold my hands.  In that instant both hands were being held by my mom on one side and my sis on the other.  I needed them and they were there.  Sean couldn’t be in the delivery room since he didn’t want to see the baby (and he’s still never seen her).  Right then out Avery slid, amniotic sac still intact and all.  She weighed 1lb and was 12 inches long.

It was after the delivery is what I don’t really recall.  We planned her little funeral, held her and said our goodbyes.  The next day I was released and we went home to get ready for her funeral which was that day.

I remember her funeral but that’s about all for that day.  We got our dog Hopie then too.  Sean thought she would help me work through my grief and she did, that’s for sure.  I went back to work in about a week but was in a fog for quite a while.

I don’t remember when the fog lifted enough for me to function.  I don’t remember when I smiled again.  I don’t remember when I laughed again.  But it happened.  Then McKenna happened; we got pregnant with her around the 4th of July that same year.

My life, our lives, will never be the same.  Losing our daughter was horrible and I wouldn’t wish that pain on even my worst enemy, but Avery made me who I am today and taught me that life is precious and fragile.  I’d never go through another pregnancy the same either.   Her body is buried in Amarillo, her brother is next to her, but her spirit is watching over us every day.

Ding, ding, ding

The fight is on people!  I got notice on Saturday that my work comp benefits were ending due to the designated doctor being a dumbass.  Now, I’m sure that wasn’t the ACTUAL diagnosis but it’s pretty close!

So today I called my insurance adjuster and he’s out of the office, so I called the state department of insurance work comp division and started the appeals process.  I go to my treating doctor, both of them, and see if they agree or disagree with the findings from the designated doctor (aka DD or dumbass doc).  Then we go from there.

I have no problem seeing my docs again, they understand and know what I’ve been through.  I’m not hiding or trying to screw the insurance company, so they are in for a fight.  I’ve also been on hold, until being hung up on thanks to long hold times, with social security since I’m approved for disability.  Hmpf, this is never what I wanted, this is never what I thought would happen at 30 years old.  But it’s what I’ve been dealt and what I have to deal with!

Stupid work comp people

I finally got a letter about my long term disability…yes, after 5 months!  They denied me because they claim my injury falls into the pre-exsisting condition thing.  Everything they stated for reason for denial was based on my RIGHT ankle…not the LEFT like it should have been!  Duh, I'm not saying that I'm disabled because of my right ankle morons…it feels great.  It's the LEFT ankle, like I have told them at least once a month since September!

Geeze, so now I have to fight it and see if they can pull their heads out of their asses long enough to realize the difference between left and right!  In the meantime, I lose my money from them.  UGH, now is not the time I need to lose money, not with a baby coming!

Idiots!

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Psych eval

Well today was my Psych eval for the SCS.  I really like this doc, he specializes in chronic pain and depression that comes with it.  We dove way into my history, ie where I was from, what age was I when my parents divorced, etc.  I never knew it was going to be so deep.  I cried and finally opened up, which the doc was pretty happy about it.  He said he knew it was hard to open up about all kinds of stuff to someone you just met but he was very supportive.  He was also totally amazed that I've only seen a councelor 2x, after the death of Jackson.  He wants to see if he can get approval for 8 sessions because he feels like after this SCS or even to fight the chronic pain I need to work on my depression, which I agree. 

He was so easy to talk to and it was like he totally understood what I was feeling and what the pain was like.  Luckily I have my sis and other family to talk to about the pain, but the only one to understand chronic pain is Sis, since she deals with it.  Everyone else can just listen (which is awesome and I'm glad I have it), but they don't KNOW what it's like to live with.  It's nice to now have two people in my corner that understand.

He approved me for the SCS, now it's just waiting to see if the Work Comp will allow it.  I did tell him I was worried about having a TENS like unit placed in my back when the real TENS unit on my ankle/foot hurts like hell.  He said to talk to my pain doc, so I will soon about that.

So, here's to hoping that we get something approved and this works.

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Quickie

This insomnia has to end.  Seriously I usually do an every other night thing…one night I sleep like the dead the next night I'm up all night long and over and over.  I'm even on meds, heavy sleeping meds and they don't work.  The pain from the RSD is now going up my leg more and all over my toes (it used to be the top of my foot up to my ankle and ended at my toes).  The bottom of my foot is now hurting like a burning pain.  How am I supposed to walk if the bottom of my foot hurts? 

I have an appt either today (monday, since it's 2 am!) or tomorrow with the psych doc to see if he thinks I'm ok for the spinal cord stimulator.  But I've done research on the SCS and it's like a tens unit placed in your back.  That worries me all over again because when I wear my tens on my foot/ankle I can barely stand it, it doesn't help it actualy hurts more.  So if the SCS is like a TENS is it really going to help?  Should I go through all this (1 wk trial with no shower, psych evals and $30K of WC) for possibly more pain?  It works in 65-75% of people with RSD. (* pity party alert, warning)  Knowing me I'll be in the 25-ish% that it won't work on.

And to top it off I have a growth on my back (the back of my shoulder).  I noticed it, actually sis the nurse noticed it, last summer but it was small.  Kenna saw it today and was grossed out.  It's much bigger now (it's still only the size of a pencil eraser) than it was.  It's not painful but kind of hard.  So now I get to call a dermatologist tomorrow to see if I can get in sometime this century.

I promise in the next few days I'll try and update with a better topic.  Either that or more digi pages since I do them when I can't sleep! LMAO!

OH yeah, I'm also applying for disability.  It's a long shot but if anyone has any advice or knowledge on the subject could you message me?  Thanks!

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Have you held an angel?

I have a few blogs that I read daily.  It's like they are my friends and their blogs keep me informed.  One recent post on one of the blogs asked for the readers to visit or pray for another in the blogging community.  She had just lost her twin boys around the middle of her pregnancy.  I have no clue the exact reasons but my heart went out to her and I emailed her my story, just to let her know she was not alone. 

She wrote a very painful and raw post on Mother's day which got me thinking.  I've been meaning to write something like this for a while but it's hard to put into words, so you'll have to bear with me when I ramble.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a mother, a family, loses a child no matter what age it hurts, hurts like hell. But you know, as cliche as this is, it will get better.  Having losses in 2000, 2001, 2004 and 2006 I know a little on the subject.  For those just joining or just finding me, the babies in 2000 and 2006 were early miscarriages which happened on their own; the 2001 child was our first daughter, Avery and in 2004 our son Jackson.  Both stillborn at 26 weeks.

But, back to what I was saying.  It'll get better.  It still hurts and I still cry but it's not as raw.  It's not burning like salt on a wound, it's not uncontrolled sobbing much anymore and the anger is not as deep.  I do not want you to think that I am happy every day, I do not want you to think that I never think of my babies, nor do I want you to think that I don't care.  But it's DIFFERENT than it was in the early 2000's…hell, even just a few years ago.  I think of my angels every single day, I'm even fighting tears as I write this.  But now, after these hard and excruciating years, it's a different cry.  You will forever miss your child, whether they were miscarriages that you didn't get to meet, stillborns that were already gone, children you got to have in your life for longer or even older children.  There's one thing…parent's should never have to bury THIER children.  I still get mad that I had to pick out two headstones, but I got to do something that I bet you never have, I've got to hold not one angel, but two!

God did not give you this child and take him/her from you to teach you a lesson, to be mean.  God has our children because they were destined for something better.  Now, go ahead and disagree with me because NO I do not intend to know exactly what God does and why, but I do know that without these angels in my life I wouldn't know some people I do today. Think about how often you hear now of someone losing a child?  People are more open about it now and it's wonderful, for a sad reason.  Avery and Jackson have brought some awesome people in my life, have allowed me to really truly and honestly know what someone is going through when they lose a child, have given me the ability to share my story to hopefully help other families in this situation and have also let me come closer to God.  I got to hold his angels, I got to carry his angels and I helped grow some of his angels.

Now, again, don't get me wrong, I hated Him for a while, but I now understand a little more and realize that even with all this shitty pain, depression, anxiety, taking my fears out on Kenna and everything else that has changed in me since my first loss, I'M FRICKIN' SPECIAL!  My babies have some really great other kids to play with up There…I have angels to watch over me all the time.

In all my rambling I hope this makes sense.  If you've had a miscarriage and didn't know the sex of the child you carried, still, give him/her a name.  It'll make it easier, even if it's a nickname.  Cherish and always think of the time you did have with your child, no matter when they passed.  I promise, it will get better, easier in some way on each angelversary.  You will still cry, you will still be mad, you will still laugh then be mad at yourself for laughing, but it's ok.  Smile because you got to hold an angel….in your arms or your womb and your HEART!

I ask you this, my awesome readers…Have you held an angel, 'cause I have!

 

Baby-Angel-Print-C10284820

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Ankle update

Short and sweet, I still hurt.  I start PT tomorrow. I fell down the stairs yesterday (my ankle gave out).  Sucks…hurts.  That's it.

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