I have a 9 year old angel

February 22, 2001.  It’s amazing how a day that was 9 years ago still brings tears to my eyes.  I remember it and the days leading up to it like it just happened.

Earlier that month I had gone to Florida to take the dance team I was coach of to Nationals.  I was 24-ish weeks pregnant.  We we came back I had a slight head cold and just felt blah.  Finally I just didn’t feel “right” and called my doc.  I was told to come in to make sure all was ok.  By this time I was 25wks and 6 days pregnant.  They did the doppler and found no heartbeat, and ultrasound was done and showed no flicker of a heart.  Luckily Sean was there with me because I was devastated.  We were told to have another ultrasound tomorrow to make sure our first baby girl had indeed died.

I remember calling my mom and telling her that her first granddaughter was gone.  They immediately got in the car and came to be with us.  I called my co-worker who came over to help me clean the house a smidge and to be there with us until my mom got there.

The next morning we had the ultrasound and the tech said the worst words any mother could ever hear, “I’m sorry”.  The doc told us we had a couple options; wait until my body realized that something wasn’t right and I went into labor on my own or to be induced.  We chose induction the next day since I wanted the experience over.

We went to the hospital in the morning.  Wednesday the 21st we started the induction.  Finally by that night nothing much was happening so we stopped the meds so I could eat and rest that night.  The next day we started up again and it went faster.  Delivering a 26wk baby, I didn’t need to be dilated to 10 and by the afternoon something had changed and the baby was coming out!  I was being wheeled into the delivery room and I couldn’t stop her from coming.  I remember asking for a hand to hold, I needed someone to hold my hands.  In that instant both hands were being held by my mom on one side and my sis on the other.  I needed them and they were there.  Sean couldn’t be in the delivery room since he didn’t want to see the baby (and he’s still never seen her).  Right then out Avery slid, amniotic sac still intact and all.  She weighed 1lb and was 12 inches long.

It was after the delivery is what I don’t really recall.  We planned her little funeral, held her and said our goodbyes.  The next day I was released and we went home to get ready for her funeral which was that day.

I remember her funeral but that’s about all for that day.  We got our dog Hopie then too.  Sean thought she would help me work through my grief and she did, that’s for sure.  I went back to work in about a week but was in a fog for quite a while.

I don’t remember when the fog lifted enough for me to function.  I don’t remember when I smiled again.  I don’t remember when I laughed again.  But it happened.  Then McKenna happened; we got pregnant with her around the 4th of July that same year.

My life, our lives, will never be the same.  Losing our daughter was horrible and I wouldn’t wish that pain on even my worst enemy, but Avery made me who I am today and taught me that life is precious and fragile.  I’d never go through another pregnancy the same either.   Her body is buried in Amarillo, her brother is next to her, but her spirit is watching over us every day.

Bulleted mish-mash of crap

Well, if THAT aint a title then I don’t know what is!  See, here’s the deal…I’ve been writing more and (surprise, surprise!) my stats went up.  That’s awesome with one down side, I feel like I need to blog more often now! LOL  Since Jay’s been sick and now me too you all will get a bulleted post, since I’m awesome like that!

• Jay is doing better!  His croupy cough went away Tuesday night and he’s starting to act like his normal happy self.
• He is trying to crawl but still would prefer to be the “blob”, a cute blob at that!
• Yes, I know it’s bad to call my son a “blob” but seriously that’s what he is!
• It’s hard work luggin’ that tummy off the ground to actually crawl, people!
• Jay gave me his cooties. No, I didn’t get croup but I did get a nasty cold or something from it.
• I’ve been coughing, my throat hurts and my ears switch between itching and hurting too.
• I’m also exhausted.
• My dear sweet hubby came home early yesterday and brought me lozenges and ice cream.  Damn I love that man!
• Kenna’s doing good in school still.  Math is really getting her down and I’m trying to explain and show her that she is good at math and knows what she’s doing she just has to TRUST herself.
• That’s impossible for a 7 almost 8-year-old to grasp, BTW!
• I’m stuck on writing my book, it’s barely started and I’m already stuck. Yeah, it will never get finished.
• And if it does get finished it won’t be published, I’m sure of it.
• It’s almost 8pm and I’m fixing to go to bed.  I went to the grocery store today because even the DOG had no food and it totally wore my ass out!
• I have a meeting with the ombudsman with the injured employee council (or some shit like that) to kick off my dispute of the Dumbass Doc’s judgement.  Woo hoo!

So, there you have it.  Hands down the most boring and stupid blog post in the history of blog posts! 🙂

Croup and scrapbooking

Ok, so those don’t really go together at all but I thought I’d throw them into one post! LOL

#1. Jay has croup.  He sounds horrible and I know doesn’t feel well.  My poor Bubba.  He’s been napping for over an hour, which if you’ve read my shit you know he takes 30min power naps!  So, 1+hr is crazy!  We got him some steroids today after seeing the doc, hopefully it’ll kick in fast and he’ll start feeling better.  He is 29inches long and weighs 23.4 lbs!  My big-ol-boy!

#2. One of my fave scrapbooking sites (Shabby Princess) has their February calendar posted!  It’s CUTE CUTE CUTE!  I think it’s one of my favorite desktop calendars EVER!  Go download it!

Ding, ding, ding

The fight is on people!  I got notice on Saturday that my work comp benefits were ending due to the designated doctor being a dumbass.  Now, I’m sure that wasn’t the ACTUAL diagnosis but it’s pretty close!

So today I called my insurance adjuster and he’s out of the office, so I called the state department of insurance work comp division and started the appeals process.  I go to my treating doctor, both of them, and see if they agree or disagree with the findings from the designated doctor (aka DD or dumbass doc).  Then we go from there.

I have no problem seeing my docs again, they understand and know what I’ve been through.  I’m not hiding or trying to screw the insurance company, so they are in for a fight.  I’ve also been on hold, until being hung up on thanks to long hold times, with social security since I’m approved for disability.  Hmpf, this is never what I wanted, this is never what I thought would happen at 30 years old.  But it’s what I’ve been dealt and what I have to deal with!

Doc appt – 34 wks

Ah, another doc appt in the books.  I had my usual NST, but this time Jaylon was asleep, the little booger.  So they had to use the buzzer, which pissed him off totally.  After the buzzer Jay woke up and started jumping around and looking perfect.  My sugars look awesome, mean of 90, which my doc said is better than his! LMAO! 

The awesome news is we're no longer "tentative" for the April 27th c-section…we're ON THE SCHEDULE!  Wooooo hooo!  Doc did say again that if there's any change, anything that doesn't feel right, any bleeding, any change in movement, etc to come to the hospital, no if's, and's or but's.  He said he may not take him, but he would probably admit me and go from there.

I'm ready, I'm ready to meet my son and see what my daughter does with her brother.  I'm ready to see this gorgeous little boy that we've been waiting on for years.  We were always ok with having one child, we were perfectly fine with it.  But then Jaylon happened and I realized that maybe we WEREN'T ok with having an only kid.  Maybe we were just saying we were to protect ourselves.  Sure, Kenna's a great kid and I don't know what I'd do without her, but maybe we weren't done.  Jaylon is our gift, to us and to our daughter.  The daughter who we thought would be our one and only, even though she was bummed about not having a sibling.  The daughter that is a miracle; the daughter who I'm not sure how she even got here since she looked so shitty when she came out, the daughter who I'm surprised came out alive.  Now she will have a little brother; a brother who is also a miracle. 

How blessed are we?

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Doc appt – 33 wks – updated with pics

Everything is going great!  NST was perfect, I got another u/s today and Jay is measuring right on track at 4lbs 15oz, placenta looks awesome as does the amount of fluid.  It's perfect…

I have pics, just two, that once I scan I'll post, but I gotta do homework with Kenna and then get ready for her softball practice. 

Adios!

 

~ UPDATE

Ok, sorry about the quickie, but I figured I had better update or else y'all get antsy!  Anyway, you know we're scheduled for April 27th, well the doc says today that starting next week if I so much as sneeze or hiccup wrong then he's taking Jay early.  Meaning, if he sees anything that doesn't look right or anything changes we'll do a section and get the baby outta there.  He did admit that 34-36 weekers usually have "issues" and need the NICU but he's better off in the NICU with my history than in my belly.  We're still holding out 'till 37wks (section date) but now know that it could honestly happen any time.  The good thing is everything is so great that I feel good about making it another 26 days (not that we're counting or anything here!).  My placenta is still kickin' ass, which it's never looked this good this late in pregnancy, or ever in some of my pregnancies.  Fluid levels are right on track as well.  It's like my body finally realized how to do this whole pregnancy thing and is getting it right, it's about frickin' time, huh?  So, we'll see how it goes for the next 3 1/2 weeks.  The only two pics I have are of Jay's foot and big toe, no other toes but I promise they are there too, you just can't see 'em, and a testicles pic…there is NO DOUBT this is a boy.  It's funny there's been no doubt since 18 wks but it's still nice to get the reassurance that this baby has a penis and testicles, with all the blue shit we've got!  I thought about making it a game, guess the body part, but I'll tell ya:

The first pic is his foot, on the left of the pic and big toe is pointing toward say 4 o'clock. 

 

Jaylons foot and big toe

 

Here's the testicles pic…they are on the right side of the pic and, well, look like testicles!

 

Jaylons test

 

Strange smattering of pics I know.  The doc tried to get a 3-d but Jay was all up in my placenta and couldn't get a good face/profile shot!  Oh well…we'll see him soon enough. 

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Appt update

Well, my appt was a long one yesterday.  With the teaching of how to use my new glucose monitor and the usual "how ya doin'?" and then my biophysical profile, we closed the place down, everyone left including my doc!  The GD diet isn't too bad, it's actually the same diet I was on when I went to LA Weight Loss and lost 40+lbs.  So, I don't really think it's too hard to follow, it'll just be making sure we have the stuff in the house.  The hard part will be eating again.  I never eat breakfast because I feel like crap still, so having to eat that and a few other snacks during the day is way hard for me and my nausea.  I also don't really understand how I can have a Sonic Burger with onion rings and my sugar was 101, but today I eat the diet to a "t" and my sugars were 150.  Oh well, I guess it's not an exact science and it'll take a while to figure my own stuff out.

Jaylon looks awesome, like he has been all along.  He's really doing the "breathing" now and looked so adorable practicing already in my tummy.  My placenta is still holding strong at a Grade 1 too.  We talked very briefly about the impending c-section and the doc said in cases like me they usually take them at 38 wks.  But, of course it still depends, so nothing is scheduled yet.  I can't believe it…that's 9 1/2 weeks away, not that I'm counting or anything!  But I'm so ready to meet this guy.

I'm still on weekly appts until he gets here, so I have mine next week on Tuesday, when they'll look at the sugars I've done and see how we proceed from there.

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Doc appt – 25 wks

All went well yesterday at my appt.  Right now I'm still outpatient but if something changes or something isn't quite right I'm supposed to go to the ER again.  And depending on how I am next week I may or may not be put in the hospital.  We're playing it by ear!  I did have a biophysical profile done and Jaylon looks wonderful.  My placenta is Grade 1, which rocks!  And the fluid looks wonderful.

So, all is wonderful is baby land!

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Doc appt today!

Alrighty…the appt was quite normal.  I've lost more weight which has made my doc very unhappy with me.  So he wrote me a script for Zofran…which I will add to that story in a second. 

Anyway he tried to hear the baby via doppler but he couldn't get him, so he said "well hell, let's do an ultrasound then". I was all for it!  When he got him on the u/s monitor we realized why we couldn't get the doppler on him.  For one he's behind my pubic bone and two that baby is a movin'!  We're not talking a twitch here and there we are talking full fledged jumps.  I've never seen a baby jump like that.  He honestly balled up then sprang up with BOTH legs and jumped.  The doc even commented how crazy that was!  He didn't do it just once but twice then danced in there.  It was hillarious.  He didn't measure the baby since it was a quickie to make sure he was doing well since we couldn't get the hb.  So, all is fine with the baby!  The doc's schedule is crazy the next two months so I see him in 3 weeks again but this time on a Tuesday.

I asked the doc about the Zofran, if it was expensive.  He said that there is now a generic, so it wouldn't be as bad.  I went to fill it and asked before they started filling how much it would be…are you ready for this…for 15 pills, just 15…was OVER $1000!  I started crying.  Here I finally have a great med that maybe I can eat again (I'm so tired, I have no energy since all I eat is toast) and it's crazy expensive.  The pharmacy said they didn't have a generic.  So, I just got a call from the doc and he said to try another pharmacy within the university health system, they should have a generic.  I guess we'll see…ya know, since they are closed now!

So that was the fun today!

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