Holy crap, does this blog still work?

I mean, it’s only been a year and a half since I wrote anything. Guess that means I don’t have much of a life or a reader base anymore.

Let’s see, in the past 18 months what all has happened;
1. Stuff with kids
2. Stuff with family
3. Stuff with life

That pretty much sums that up. My kids are huge and I continuously tell my daughter to stop growing. The boy got rid of the paci and potty trained all in 6 months. I’m still a SAHM but hopefully not for too much longer. I have a job interview this week and I’d really like this job, mainly to feel like I contribute to the family and so I’m around adults again. Cross your fingers for me.

I’ve started on my weight loss journey again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, again. I KNOW! I tried to do the surgical route but my insurance decided to be assholes, so now I’m doing it the “old fashioned” way. I’ve been on the journey since early-April and I’m down 23lbs. I’m down 3 sizes and already feel better about myself. I work out 6 days a week and actually miss it if I don’t go to the gym. Which is completely 100% strange for me. My sis also now got me hooked on Zumba. I wasn’t sure I’d like it, but we went together at my gym while she was visiting and I’ve been back since (2x a week). I LOVE it. I love dancing (hello, have you read my blog?) and I feel so good/sweaty/accomplished when that hour is done. If I keep up this whole “blogging” thing that I suck at, I’m sure this will turn into a weight loss blog (yeah, another).

Family is awesome. I’ve never been happier and I love where I/we are right now. We did have a loss though. In January we had to put down our baby, Hopie, the shih-tzu. She helped me get through Avery’s (our first baby) death. Putting her down due to age and illness brought back that pain and it hurt bad. I hadn’t cried like that in a long time. We had gotten a Boston Terrier the summer before, so luckily we have her to love on, but we still miss our Hopie.

Health, eh. I’m healthier than I have been, I think. But the ankles still suck. I fell on Christmas Eve and broke a bone in my ankle and got another 3rd degree sprain. The good thing, the ER was surprisingly slow on Christmas Eve and so my wait time was nil. Saw an orthopod and was in a boot. All is well now. My RSD leg still hurts. Guess it always will. Temperature changes, socks, air, touching still suck too.

Hmpf, I guess that’s all. The way I write I may not be back until January 2014 and by then I’ll weigh 140lbs. Ha!

A friend

I have a friend whom I met almost 10 years ago, yet I’ve only ever seen her in person two times. We met on an online message board about pregnancy and infant loss. I was mourning the loss of Avery and wasn’t sure where to turn or what to do or how to think or…well, you get the idea, I was lost. In some sick way it was a comfort reading about these other ladies that were going through something similar to what I was, see; I wasn’t the only one dealing with this.

I’m not sure what made me read her story but I felt a blow to my gut when I read her story. Her full term son was born with an umbilical cord issue (I won’t even try to explain it), he lived for a few days and died in his mother’s arms. I felt so sorry for her that she and her hubby had to decide to disconnect life support for their son. I felt that she was going through something so much worse than I was. I sat and wondered what would be easier; a stillborn whom you never get to see alive or a full term baby who is a live for days (weeks, months) and you have to decide when the “right” time to say goodbye is.

The first time we met we sat up drinking, laughing and bawling by a hotel pool. We had this instant connection, something all the other mommy’s there with us couldn’t understand. I told her how I felt, how awful I felt for her. We hugged and cried and laughed and drank some more. She told me later something that I’ll never forget;

It does not matter how long you know your child; if you see them breathing, if they talk to you or if you feel them in your womb, they are still your child and it still hurts like hell when they leave.

So true.

So, here’s to Corbyn, my friend’s baby boy. He would be 10 years old today. You’ve touched more lives than you know and I thank you. Now, enjoy your birthday cake with Avery and Jackson for me.

I have a 9 year old angel

February 22, 2001.  It’s amazing how a day that was 9 years ago still brings tears to my eyes.  I remember it and the days leading up to it like it just happened.

Earlier that month I had gone to Florida to take the dance team I was coach of to Nationals.  I was 24-ish weeks pregnant.  We we came back I had a slight head cold and just felt blah.  Finally I just didn’t feel “right” and called my doc.  I was told to come in to make sure all was ok.  By this time I was 25wks and 6 days pregnant.  They did the doppler and found no heartbeat, and ultrasound was done and showed no flicker of a heart.  Luckily Sean was there with me because I was devastated.  We were told to have another ultrasound tomorrow to make sure our first baby girl had indeed died.

I remember calling my mom and telling her that her first granddaughter was gone.  They immediately got in the car and came to be with us.  I called my co-worker who came over to help me clean the house a smidge and to be there with us until my mom got there.

The next morning we had the ultrasound and the tech said the worst words any mother could ever hear, “I’m sorry”.  The doc told us we had a couple options; wait until my body realized that something wasn’t right and I went into labor on my own or to be induced.  We chose induction the next day since I wanted the experience over.

We went to the hospital in the morning.  Wednesday the 21st we started the induction.  Finally by that night nothing much was happening so we stopped the meds so I could eat and rest that night.  The next day we started up again and it went faster.  Delivering a 26wk baby, I didn’t need to be dilated to 10 and by the afternoon something had changed and the baby was coming out!  I was being wheeled into the delivery room and I couldn’t stop her from coming.  I remember asking for a hand to hold, I needed someone to hold my hands.  In that instant both hands were being held by my mom on one side and my sis on the other.  I needed them and they were there.  Sean couldn’t be in the delivery room since he didn’t want to see the baby (and he’s still never seen her).  Right then out Avery slid, amniotic sac still intact and all.  She weighed 1lb and was 12 inches long.

It was after the delivery is what I don’t really recall.  We planned her little funeral, held her and said our goodbyes.  The next day I was released and we went home to get ready for her funeral which was that day.

I remember her funeral but that’s about all for that day.  We got our dog Hopie then too.  Sean thought she would help me work through my grief and she did, that’s for sure.  I went back to work in about a week but was in a fog for quite a while.

I don’t remember when the fog lifted enough for me to function.  I don’t remember when I smiled again.  I don’t remember when I laughed again.  But it happened.  Then McKenna happened; we got pregnant with her around the 4th of July that same year.

My life, our lives, will never be the same.  Losing our daughter was horrible and I wouldn’t wish that pain on even my worst enemy, but Avery made me who I am today and taught me that life is precious and fragile.  I’d never go through another pregnancy the same either.   Her body is buried in Amarillo, her brother is next to her, but her spirit is watching over us every day.

McKenna BoBenna

Oh, my McKenna.  I don’t even know where to start with her sometimes.  She’s so frustrating and I know it’s just going to get worse as she gets older.  I thought I had a few more “attitude free” years but NOPE!  I ask her to do something and she huffs and puffs and slams her door.  She throws herself on the floor in a fit of crying and screaming.  I constantly hear “ughs”, “humpfs”, and “uuughs” out of her and it’s not getting better.

But, aside from the McKenna that makes me want to pull out my hair and run screaming into the street, there’s the sweet Kenna that I don’t want to see grow up.   She can tell the most wonderful stories, tell the most awfully unfunny jokes (but you gotta laugh!) and give some of the best hugs I’ve ever been lucky enough to receive.

She always used to ask me when she would become a big sister.  When she was old enough I finally told her that she was a big sister already.  I remember her looking at me like I had grown a 2nd head, she didn’t understand.  I told her the story of Jackson, told her that Momma was pregnant before but her baby brother was in heaven along with her big sister.  Somehow, in her 5-year-old mind, she understood.  She hugged me as I cried telling ther the story.  She’s even seen her baby brother’s picture.  I won’t let her see Avery’s picture yet.  Avery had been gone longer than Jackson, so she looked “dead”.  I don’t want her to see that and feel that pain; not yet, not ever.  But Jackson looked asleep and she asked to see him, so I said ok.  She handled it very well.  I told her that he looked just like her, just like Avery did too, and now just like Jaylon.  She smiled and handed back the picture and wiped a tear from my cheek.

She’s always been the “motherly” type.  That became even more apparent when Jaylon was born.  She wanted to hold him, feed him, change him, get him dressed and even bathe him.  She even changed his diaper when he was a few weeks old!  I didn’t realize it until she exclaimed how proud she was, and honestly she did damn good!

Jaylon loves it when his Big Sister comes into the room.  He smiles and jumps or giggles or just makes happy baby sounds.  It melts my heart because I know how much she wanted to be a Big Sister to a baby on earth.

I say all the time how much Jay has completed our family; that he is what we needed.  But honestly, I think he completed McKenna more than we’ll ever know!

Today…

is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Send all the families you know who have felth the pain of losing a child a huge hug today. Let them know that you care and you REMEMBER!

I am Melanie:
Mommy to 6 babies!
Miscarriage – 2000
Avery Michelle – stillborn Februrary 22, 2001
McKenna RaeAnn – March 14, 2002 (happy and healthy 7 1/2 years old now!)
Jackson William – stillborn August 16, 2004
Miscarriage – 2006
Jaylon Reid – April 21, 2009 (happy and drooly 5 1/2 months old now!)

Remember my babies and others who play in heaven together!

Equal?

When I was pregnant I never worried about loving the new baby as much as I loved Kenna.  I worried about Kenna being pushed aside and not feeling loved.  I worried about how I could take care of a new baby when I was in pain 95% of the time.  I worried.  I still worry.

I know I love Jay just as much as I love Kenna.  I think I still give Kenna as much attention and love as before, if not more because I’m acutely aware of it. ..

But do I like them equally? I know, horrible subject right?! 

McKenna was wanted, was tried for and it took alot to get her here.  I worried the entire 9 months and even when I was in labor I was still freaking out.  It wasn’t until she came out, cried and her breathing calmed down when I could take a breath myself.  She’s been my Bebe for 7 years and will always be.  She’s my girl, my sugar britches, MY McKenna.

Jaylon was a surprise.  We thought we were done.  It was a pretty care-free pregnancy, if you can have such a thing after losing so many babies.  Yes I hurled, alot.  Yes I had Gestational Diabetes.  But I only freaked out around the 26wk mark, not the entire time.  He’s my Bubba, my Babykins and my Bubby.

But I’m worried I like one more than the other.  Notice I didn’t say LOVE.  I love them both the same, with my entire heart, so much that it hurts somedays.  But like…that’s a different story.  I feel like a horrible, horrible mother for just typing this.  You’re not supposed to feel this way about your kids, but I can’t help it.

Is it wrong that I like one more?  Or do I need counselling for me and the kids when they get older?!  And if moms sometimes feel this way, will it ever change?

Today is 1 month ’till arrival day!

It's March 27th…in one month (April 27th) I will be holding my son!  HOLY SHIT!  LOL…that was an excited holy shit, btw.  I know that he could come sooner, but I really think he's holding out and quite happy, so I just don't feel like that's gonna happen.  I talked to my sis today, she and my dad will be flying in on the 26th (Sunday) then leaving on Tuesday…this is all probably, no flights have been booked or anything yet.  I wish they could stay longer, but really…why?  I mean for the first 4-ish days I'll be stuck in the hospital and my sis has plans to come down again this summer and spend more time, which is perfect!  My mom will be there, and has said she'll stay at the house with us for a bit after we come home.  Thank goodness.  I have no clue what Sean's plans are, so I'll totally need help, especially with running Kenna to and from school, cooking and helping me with my newly reopened c-section scar.  Thank God for family.

I still can't believe it's getting closer.  I knew this pregnancy would "stick" and all would be fine.  Around the 26 week mark that confidence started to flee.  I still knew that it'd be ok, but I just had to get past that point.  And I did, for only the second time in six pregnancies.  I'll never forget the release I felt after that week, I could breathe again, although not for long since Jaylon loves my ribs!  Then with the whole vag bleeding and contractions scare a few weeks ago I thought I'd for sure be on bedrest until he got here.  I am on a modified bedrest, but I still go places, I just know my limits and I got the magic steroids.  Once that second shot of 'roids were deposited in my ass I knew, again, that we were fine.  Now…it's just waiting.  I'm not worrying anymore.  Yes I still do kick counts and counting of contractions, but I just know that it's all ok at this point.  I will finally have my son…and my daughter a brother!

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Have you held an angel?

I have a few blogs that I read daily.  It's like they are my friends and their blogs keep me informed.  One recent post on one of the blogs asked for the readers to visit or pray for another in the blogging community.  She had just lost her twin boys around the middle of her pregnancy.  I have no clue the exact reasons but my heart went out to her and I emailed her my story, just to let her know she was not alone. 

She wrote a very painful and raw post on Mother's day which got me thinking.  I've been meaning to write something like this for a while but it's hard to put into words, so you'll have to bear with me when I ramble.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a mother, a family, loses a child no matter what age it hurts, hurts like hell. But you know, as cliche as this is, it will get better.  Having losses in 2000, 2001, 2004 and 2006 I know a little on the subject.  For those just joining or just finding me, the babies in 2000 and 2006 were early miscarriages which happened on their own; the 2001 child was our first daughter, Avery and in 2004 our son Jackson.  Both stillborn at 26 weeks.

But, back to what I was saying.  It'll get better.  It still hurts and I still cry but it's not as raw.  It's not burning like salt on a wound, it's not uncontrolled sobbing much anymore and the anger is not as deep.  I do not want you to think that I am happy every day, I do not want you to think that I never think of my babies, nor do I want you to think that I don't care.  But it's DIFFERENT than it was in the early 2000's…hell, even just a few years ago.  I think of my angels every single day, I'm even fighting tears as I write this.  But now, after these hard and excruciating years, it's a different cry.  You will forever miss your child, whether they were miscarriages that you didn't get to meet, stillborns that were already gone, children you got to have in your life for longer or even older children.  There's one thing…parent's should never have to bury THIER children.  I still get mad that I had to pick out two headstones, but I got to do something that I bet you never have, I've got to hold not one angel, but two!

God did not give you this child and take him/her from you to teach you a lesson, to be mean.  God has our children because they were destined for something better.  Now, go ahead and disagree with me because NO I do not intend to know exactly what God does and why, but I do know that without these angels in my life I wouldn't know some people I do today. Think about how often you hear now of someone losing a child?  People are more open about it now and it's wonderful, for a sad reason.  Avery and Jackson have brought some awesome people in my life, have allowed me to really truly and honestly know what someone is going through when they lose a child, have given me the ability to share my story to hopefully help other families in this situation and have also let me come closer to God.  I got to hold his angels, I got to carry his angels and I helped grow some of his angels.

Now, again, don't get me wrong, I hated Him for a while, but I now understand a little more and realize that even with all this shitty pain, depression, anxiety, taking my fears out on Kenna and everything else that has changed in me since my first loss, I'M FRICKIN' SPECIAL!  My babies have some really great other kids to play with up There…I have angels to watch over me all the time.

In all my rambling I hope this makes sense.  If you've had a miscarriage and didn't know the sex of the child you carried, still, give him/her a name.  It'll make it easier, even if it's a nickname.  Cherish and always think of the time you did have with your child, no matter when they passed.  I promise, it will get better, easier in some way on each angelversary.  You will still cry, you will still be mad, you will still laugh then be mad at yourself for laughing, but it's ok.  Smile because you got to hold an angel….in your arms or your womb and your HEART!

I ask you this, my awesome readers…Have you held an angel, 'cause I have!

 

Baby-Angel-Print-C10284820

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Jackson William – age 3

Ah, today is one of those days that I dread; that all parents who lose a child dread…the anniversary of death/birthday/angelversary.  My son, Jackson William (JW), would be 3 today if he were born in my arms and not right to heaven.

This day used to suck; me spending all day in bed, me spending all day crying, and me thinking all day of JW.  But you know, it doesn't hurt as much anymore.  I still miss him and it still is a sad day, but it's not as raw anymore.  I know he's with me, I know he's with his sister and it's easier.

Please send up a little prayer for my son, today on his 3rd birthday.

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The “pain” of friendship

I have a friend.  Yes, I, have a friend.  Anyway…we've been dear friends since high school.  Poor girl was "the new girl" shortly after I carried that horrific name as well.  I knew where she was coming from, I knew we would become friends and we did!  We did some of the usual fun stuff together; going to a nearby town to go shopping, draggin' Main, jammin' to music in her old car (and I say old in a nice way, not old like beat up, but old like almost antique, it rocked!), getting way too shit faced during one New Years (we were underage).  After high school, we were still friends.  We did some of the usual fun college stuff together too; living together for a bit, working together at the grocery store and I'm sure we drank too!

Along the way we grew up and parted ways, all my fault.  I suck at keeping phone numbers.  She would track me down and we'd gab. I'd hang up smiling wondering why the hell I misplaced her number and reminding myself that I needed to call more often.

After a bit she moved to Oklahoma, I was married had a few angel babies and finally Kenna came.  She too got preggers and had TWINS 2 1/2-ish years ago.  It was amazing to me that she'd do the whole pregnancy thing, I forgot to add that she only has one kidney and has had all kinds of health issues.  But here she was, pregnant with a boy and a girl.  I saw them a few times and thought to myself only Melissa would have two gorgeous curly headed babies.  Ashton and Zeaui; A to Z; Alpha to Omega; beginning to end.

In July I got a few calls from her and her mother.  I was worried because they left messages on my cell, I never turn the damn thing on and when I finally did one day I had 3 or 4 messages where I could tell they tried to be calm. It's never a good thing when your friends MOTHER calls you, KWIM?

I thought maybe she's sick, maybe a baby is sick, but I'm sure all is well.  I called her back ASAP.  All wasn't well.  Zeaui had passed away on July 3rd.  My heart sank, I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't NOT cry.  I didn't even talk to her while on the phone.  I said something stupid and listened to her for a few moments then told her I'd call her later 'cause I had to go. I couldn't talk to my friend.

This is where my pain comes in…I didn't know what to say to her.  You may think that's no big deal, but if I can't come up with something to say who the fuck can?  I'v been through losses of babies; no I didn't know any of my babies for 2 1/2 years, that was the difference. I couldn't say it would be ok; it won't.  I couldn't say I understood; I don't entirely.  I couldn't say ANYTHING.  Do you know what type of pain that entails?  I've been the one that she would come to, during high school and early college, and I like to think that I helped her then.  I like to think that I'm good at letting someone talk and maybe throwing out a few words of wisdom; this time there were none.

I called Vette and bawled…sobbed…hiccupped…I called Mom and bawled…sobbed…hiccupped…I called Sis and bawled…sobbed…hiccupped.  I didn't sleep for a few days and was nauseated. I finally emailed her exactly what I was feeling, making me feel better but hoping it would make her feel better too, knowing she's not alone!

Please, please say a little prayer for her, her husband and her son. Let her know she's not alone, that people WILL remember Zeaui and smile when we see a picture of her or hear stories about her. Please let her know that people say stupid things (even friends).  And please let her know that it won't be OK, but it will get better, eventually.

 

 

Zeaui markers

 

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