So, um, I’m losing my pants

That title should get a lot of hits on the ‘ol google machine!

Let’s do a quick update on my weight loss, shall we? As of last Friday, I’m down 46lbs total. I’m in a size 14 (sometimes a 12) pants and Large shirts. HOLY CRAP! I’m shrinking and I love it. I feel better, my ankles and knees feel better and I feel better about myself. Sure I have “fat” days where I think “man, I’ve lost almost 50lbs and I’m still fat” but I pull up a pic of myself when I started and decide that I’m totally rockin’.

The only downside to all this weight loss is my closet. Thankfully my sis sent me some clothes or else I’d be naked by now. All my old stuff is falling off of me or makes me look like I’m wearing a tent. I totally need to go through my clothes and throw the big stuff in a bag to take to Goodwill. While I’m there I need to shop for smaller clothes. I hate spending money on myself, especially knowing that I’ll be out of the 12/14s soon and then those clothes will be donated back to where I purchased them. I have never shopped at a Goodwill (not bragging or anything, hell, most of my wardrobe came from Walmart/Target) but I do not want to spend a ton of money on clothes right now. Plus I can’t; Christmas is coming up and I want to be able to buy buy buy for my kids.

I mean, seriously, I have one pair of slacks that fit now. The rest are so big they fall off or are so baggy it looks like I poo’d my pants. Not attractive at all, people. And these were the clothes I bought snug and tight so I could wear them longer. They lasted a whole 8 weeks. I put on a pair of jeans this morning. The last time I tried them they were pretty tight. So pulled them out this morning, giving them a “go” and I have to keep pulling them up today.

I know it sounds like I’m complaining and you’re probably thinking I’m nuts and I kinda am. I’m bummed that I have to spend money on me on clothes that hopefully won’t fit by December. Tell me how that makes sense? Plus, when am I going to find the time to go shopping? But I gotta do something. I’m pretty sure sagging and showing my panties are not in dress-code! LOL

Settling in

I’ve been working for over a month now. Yeah me! Things have finally settled down and I’m getting the hang of things too. I still don’t know the passwords to almost everything (and I probably won’t, they seem more guarded than Obama’s real birth certificate) and I still question myself a ton. My thinking is I’d rather ask a question before doing something wrong and having to re-do it. My days have been consisting of spreadsheets, phone calls and fixing student log ins. I’m actually ok with this since I’m a huge geek and I love a good spreadsheet. My supervisor trusts me enough to give me the original sheet and tweak it to how I see fit, which is nice.

But this week saw a change. I finally got to go out into the schools and help “teach the teachers”. I love this part of my job. I think I was a born teacher but never actually got my degree in it because teachers have to deal with paperwork, politics and state testing more than actually teaching our kids. So this is totally my calling. Yes it was frustrating, especially when someone who you think should know better doesn’t know how to even make a folder on their computer. Yes it’s frustrating, especially when I’m there to help the teacher and all she wants to do is complain about having to use a laptop (yes…someone complained about getting a mac book given to them!). Yes it’s frustrating, especially when I’m there to explain how to do something and the teacher wants me to look at their e-lesson plans and “how do I make them bigger when I print” when I’m not there for that at all. And sure, I went back to the office all snarky and bitchy. And sure, my co-workers laughed and told me “welcome to the dark side” and that I was officially past the “honeymoon phase”. And sure, I laughed right along with them because, well, because it’s true.

Even with all that, I LOVE IT! I get to go back out to the school this week and work with a couple more teachers, then at the end of the 6 weeks I get to go back to them and finish up our project. I get to see something to completion. These teachers were completely clueless and bleary-eyed at the end of August; they had no clue what we were doing and why we were changing it and what the end result would be. Now, I’ve seen light bulbs go off, I’ve actually SEEN it click in their face and eyes when they “get it”. I can’t wait to see their faces when we’re done with this portfolio and have it personalized and uploaded and it’s done for this six weeks.

I also got to play with more technology than I’ve ever seen or even knew existed. I get to play with even more soon as I’m a technology guinea pig and I get to teach more teachers how to use this great technology that we’re getting for them.

So, in a way, I am “teaching” students. I’m reaching them and hopefully making their scholastic years easier/more fun/better because I’m helping the people who shape their lives.

Alrighty, enough sap.

Since going to day care Jay has been a pain in the tushy-wushy. He’s finally been getting a little better with the fit-throwing but he still isn’t listening. I’m thinking this is more of a 3-year-old boy thing than an “acting out because mom left me in day care” thing.

Kenna…oh Kenna. She’s moody, she’s argumentative, she’s moody, she’s moody and most of the time she’s moody. That’s all there is to say about that.

I hit my half-way point goal weight this past week! Woo hooo! Then the next week I gained less than a pound. I’m afraid to say it’s a “plateau” because it’s only been one week but I’ve heard that happens when you get to about halfway. I need to shake things up if I stay the same or go up this week. Not sure how I’m going to do that just yet, but I’ll figure something out. But 40lbs since April is pretty damn good and I think I’ll hit my goal weight in March. I’m so proud of myself. This is the first time I’ve lost this much by myself. I’m doing this on my own, without some “clinic” type of place standing behind me. I’m proving to myself and my willpower that I can do it, I can do it slowly and do it right.  I’m in a size 14, a size L shirt and I even had to buy new panties because my old ones are falling off.

So, I guess you could say that the past four weeks have been pretty good for me. Not only am I gaining confidence in myself and my work but I’m losing my fat!

My first week – recap

Well, I made it through my first week back to work. It was nice going back, it’s nice being around adults again, although I miss my kids terribly during the day. I knew I’d miss them but it’s harder than I remember it used to be. Kenna is doing so well being at home (school starts in a week for her) and has been doing the chores on her list. Jay is doing pretty good; he did cry one day this week and said he didn’t want to go to “school” aka daycare. But he bounced right back.

I feel like I’m accomplishing something. Yes I cleaned house and cooked while at home but I never felt like I “contributed” to my family. I know that sounds strange. But it all comes down to money, I guess. I kept the house running with cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. but that didn’t add any zeros to the bank account. Now I do that and feel like I’m doing something for them that I couldn’t do before. I feel there’s a little more “equality” with Sean and myself. Now, I’ll never make as much as he does, but that fact that we’re both adding money to the account is nice.

So, onto what I did this week. I embarrassed myself and still do daily. Lemme explain.  I set up the voicemail system for new employees or those that have moved offices/jobs/departments. All this entails is clearing out old voicemail messages, changing their phone display and helping set up new voicemail. Easy, right? Well, when I was doing my own on Monday I set up a system-wide “important announcement” that everyone in the district will hear (at least once). It’s my outgoing message. I mean…everyone, including the superintendent and office staff. UGH, we all had a good laugh and no one really seemed to mind but it was embarrassing nonetheless. Mainly I just learned my computer (it’s a Mac and I’m a windows gal at home), started setting up aforementioned voicemail, went to each school in the district a few times, had new employee training and helped my boss with that. At the end of the week the real “work” started and I had to put in every student from 7-12th grade into the computer. It took me a day and a half, which I thought was excessive but my boss and the other guy in the office (who I guess is my boss too but not my direct supervisor?) were thrilled with how quickly I did it. So, yeah me!

There’s a lady in the main central office who was having a few issues and I helped her through them. She told me that I was the right person for my position and she thanked me profusely. She made me cry. In a happy, “OMG, I’m doing something right” way. It just meant so much to me that she took the time out of her crazy schedule to let me know how much I was appreciated and that I was doing good. It felt nice.

I have one more week of getting used to before school starts and it gets a little crazy. I’ll have to re-figure my schedule once I gotta get Kenna up and deal with another person in our one bathroom. And my knee is feeling better so I’m headed back to the gym this week too. Hopefully I won’t lose my mind as I’m trying to come up with a schedule that works for us while trying to learn my new job.

On the diet front, I apparently needed to go to work to jump-start my weight loss. I’ve been losing about 1lb a week for a while now. I’m not complaining because YEAH! a pound a week is good. But this week I lost 3lbs. Not sure why really. I’m not eating an afternoon snack because I’m at work and I haven’t been working out because of the knee. I have been walking at work as much as I can instead of driving to the nearest school. But even then I’m just sitting at a desk for the most part. But, I’m not going to complain! I’m now down 34lbs since early April. Not too bad, I’m right on track to hitting my goal in March/April of next year. I can fit into 14s comfortably and some 12s, depending on the brand. Heck, even last month when getting work clothes I was in a 16 and squeezing into a 14. Not too shabby!

So there’s my update. I don’t know much at work still so I feel a little helpless since I can’t help people like I want but I’m apparently doing a good job. I love the people I work with; they’re super nice, easy to talk with and feel comfortable with and are jokesters. I’m ready to learn more and make them proud.

Time is moving too quickly

Ever have one of those OMG moments? I did tonight.

Even though I think of my angel babies every day I forget sometimes how old they’d be. The days they were each born plays in my head like a movie daily. Yet, they don’t age. I can remember the day we found out about Avery and the day she was born like it happened just yesterday. The pain isn’t there as badly any more; you learn how to cope with it so it’s easier. The day from hell when Jackson was born still stings, the fear I felt is still there and the sense of no control still haunts me. I remember waking up with a damn tube in my throat and the panic I felt when they sucked it out and finally pulled it out because the respiration tech person didn’t bother to tell me what to expect.

Because I still feel all that, it’s hard to believe it’s been almost 8 years. EIGHT years.

And it’s not just with my angels. I feel the same way sometimes with my kiddoes here on Earth. Kenna is 10, where the hell did this decade go? Jay, my sweet baby Jay, is no longer a baby.

Heck, I even remember my wedding day and being so hot in my dress before the ceremony and kinda freaking out a little too. So I guess it’s not just my kids that I wonder where the time went.

Even though I feel like the years have flown, I still feel young. Forgetting all the time how old I am and constantly asking Sean or doing the math. Does everyone do this or am I just losing my mind?! LOL

I think in terms of “how much longer”. I have 6 years till my girl drives and 8 until she graduates and, hopefully, leaves the nest to grow her own wings. Then I think…wow when she’s 16, Jay will be 9. I won’t need a babysitter anymore in a few years either! But geeze, when Kenna is gone what will it be like to have one kid at home again? He’ll only be 11, will he be happy that big sister is gone or will he be bummed because his buddy is leaving?

It’s too much sometimes. And I’ve decided they both need to stop growing! LOL 🙂

Smaller goals

I hesitate putting “smaller” goals or even thinking of them that way but I hate the term “short-term” goals. I’m not sure why, that’s exactly what they are. Oh well…semantics.

I had a goal of 195lbs by the end of July (for a wedding)…well I hit that and went a little under. YIPPPEEEEE! So I started thinking of my next goal, my next milestone that I could reach in time for something that means a lot to me. I’ve decided that by late October I want to be 175lbs. I’ll have to bust my ass to get there but it’s totally possible. I want to be smaller for my scrapbook retreat I go to with my sister. I want to get a full body massage while I’m there and not feel self-conscious about me being a whale on the table. I want people to notice that I’ve lost weight (and not just family members) and I want to buy a Large t-shirt instead of XXL. It’s the little things, people.

It’s amazing to me that if I hit that goal (175lbs) I’ll have lost almost 50lbs in this journey and only be 35lbs to my ultimate goal. When I first started sparkpeople.com that year of weight loss looked so daunting. But as I’m hacking away at my fat it doesn’t seem too far out there anymore. I wish I could work out more again, I wish I had the motivation back I had at the beginning but I’m still doing it. I wish I didn’t need a cheatday on Saturdays but I know myself well enough that if I don’t allow a cheat I’ll be more likely to binge on the crap during the week, thus derailing everything because then I’d go down the “shame spiral” and think that I’ve already screwed it up to just keep doing it and start fresh later, but that later would never come. How ’bout THAT for a run-on sentence?! But it also conveys what that spiral is like for me…it’s never ending and it just gets out of control. Allowing one day to have pancakes, or cookies or ice cream then I get rid of that craving and move on.

I know even at 175lbs I’ll still be fat. Even now I’ve lost 30lbs but people still see me as fat. And I’m ok with that, it’s motivation. I am fat. But I’m embracing the skinny inside and soon it’ll show.

Losing weight is mostly mental. Sure there’s the diet, exercise and eating healthy but you have to be in it mentally and trick yourself sometimes as well. I eat off a small plate, I use a small fork. I imagine the size of protein as a deck of cards. The looks of my plate has changed. Before diet it was 60% protein, 30% carbs and 10% veggies, with huge portion of sugar and snacks on the side. Now it’s totally changed. My biggest portion is veggies, then protein and finally carbs. My snacks are fruits and at night I’ll have a low-cal treat. It works for me and I know this is how I’ll eat for the rest of my life. If I don’t then I’ll balloon up again and I don’t want that. I also eat breakfast now, I used to not. I’ve noticed a huge difference in doing so too. I’m not hungry and snacking before lunch. I don’t binge at lunch either.

Geeze, this post has rambled and taken its own direction, huh?

So, on to the next “smaller goal”…as I get smaller.

So many things going on

The past month has been kinda crazy. I guess we always seem to be running around like insane people but the past bit has been crazier than normal. We went to visit family in KC the first of the month. We were there a week and had a great time. The past few years we haven’t seen much of that side of the family because we (at the time) lived 13 hours away and were broke as hell. Now we’re closer and not so poor. We had an amazing time and saw all kinds of KC attractions. On the rare day (1 day out of 7) that we didn’t do anything we stayed home, did laundry and swam in the pool. It was such a great time that it was difficult to leave this time.

Since being hom, I’ve had a couple meetings about my new job, fingerprinting done and a doc appt. Now we’ve got a wedding next week and a short trip to visit Nana and Grandpa (finally!). So, even though summer is winding down, our travels and busy-ness isn’t.

I start work on the 13th and I’m really looking forward to working again. After seeing my boss a couple times, she seems just as excited and I think we’ll get along well. I just hope I don’t let her or my co-workers down. I’m working in technology yet I have no formal training. I’m one of those people who just open a program and play until I figure it out and my boss knows that and she doesn’t seem worried but I am a little. Guess we’ll find out next month.

I also had to buy some new clothes for work. I haven’t worked in so long and even when I did my past employer let us wear jeans and t-shirts every day since we never saw customers so I have no “work clothes stash”. And even if I did, they wouldn’t fit. It’s exciting to buy new clothes and I don’t mind trying on things like I used to when I was so big but it’s also expensive and frustrating at times. Since I’m still losing weight I don’t want to spend a fortune on clothes now when I will not be able to wear them in a few months and have to buy more. So instead of buying 16’s (instead of the 22’s I used to wear! YEAH ME!) I’m squeezing into 14s because I know that in a month-ish they will fit better. But at the time being the 14s are snug and aren’t as flattering as I’d like. Guess you can call it motivation. LOL

Since we’re on weight loss topic, let’s update y’all. I started at *cough* 222lbs *cough*. I’ve hit a couple smaller, more short-term goals and am now at 28lbs gone. I notice myself wearing tank tops and shorts again. I also feel better about myself already, so I cannot wait till I get even smaller. I had my first non-family member asking me if I’ve lost weight and telling me I look good. It felt wonderful that someone who doesn’t “have” to say I look like I’m losing weight tell me so. I told her that I still had 50-ish lbs to go and she was amazed that I had that much left to lose. I just laughed and told her that I hide it well. According to the BMI charts, I’m still “obese” and I’m still fat, no doubt about that. But I’m almost at the point where I’m unable to shop in the big girl stores and can shop at regular stores again! Oh, it’s the little things people. I saw on Pinterest a neat way to visualize the weight and I’m going to do it when I have more than 5 minutes. It’s two jars; one labeled “left to lose” and the other “pounds lost”. You put a pebble or decorative rock for each pound in the “left to lose” jar and each time you lose a pound you put it in the “pounds lost” jar. I’m totally a visualization and tactile person and this would be perfect for me to see the pounds coming off. I had to cut back on working out, so my weight loss has slowed down a little but I’m still losing a smidge weekly. I do miss working out more though. I was 5-6 days a week for over an hour each day (between cardio and weights). Now I’m about 3-4 days and had to cut back to 30 mins of cardio. I’ve been doing a sit-up app I found for my phone and I love it. I’m pretty impressed with myself on those, however the push-ups…I can’t even do one of those damn things. Maybe in time I can.

I’ll leave you with a couple pics of our KC trip.

Mish-mash

Well, I wanted to write a post about me going to the gym, but it’s not speaking to me. So I’ll just do a mish-mash of a blog and maybe that’ll help me blogging again.

I go to the gym around 6 days a week. I try to do 6 days but sometimes lately it’s been 4-5. I shouldn’t feel guilty because I only go 4-5 times a week but I do. Also miss it when I don’t go. I’ve become a gym rat. I never in a million years would have thought that was me but I actually enjoy going, sweating and having that great feeling when I’m done. When I miss a day, I feel like I’ve cheated myself out of that endorphin high. I’ve been “slacking” on the gym because of my knees. When I’m finally over my debilitating tiredness (I get tired a lot still but not that exhaustion rivaling narcolepsy like before), my knees give me fits. I thought at first it was tendonitis just from sheer lack of using my knees in any productive way in years but now I’ve got the grinding, clicking, popping feelings and it gives out on me. I keep pushing through, probably stupid, but I’m so afraid that if I stop working out for the 4-6wks for the knee to possibly heal then I’ll lose my momentum that I have now. I have a fear of gaining the weight back or having to start from square one again. I can’t do that. This yo-yo crap has to stop; so as of now I’ll keep trucking along and on days that it hurts to walk or get out of bed I may just lay back down or ease up on the bike.

It is funny, not funny-ha-ha but funny-interesting, that I need the gym now. It’s my time to do something for me. How selfish is that? I’m a mom, I shouldn’t be thinking of myself, is what I think. But I need this for me and my kids. I go and spend an hour to an hour and a half (depending on what day it is) and I listen to music, and think, and day-dream and it’s MY time. Sure, I’m doing this for my kids too. Getting healthier will make their lives more fun and I’ll be around longer, but really…it’s for me, finally.

Since I’m rambling let’s change the subject; my job interview.

I really can’t go into detail (heck, they may be reading this now) but I thought it went good. I know you can never really tell but I liked the two I spoke with and I left feeling like I was myself and did what I came to do. Now, I didn’t cuss (thank you for reminding me of work-place etiquette, Chris LOL), but I spoke like me and acted just like good ol’ me. I even at one point told them that I’m who I am and if people don’t like it then I’m sorry but I just don’t care too much. Yip…I said that in an INTERVIEW people! Nuts, I know. Then I had to show my technical prowess and typed up something for them on the computer. Of course, if you know-know me you know that I love fonts (I have over 1600), so I had to spruce up the essay I typed. I couldn’t turn it in in Times New Roman, I mean…hello?! So my Ma got a kick out of that saying that I was “showing off” and I guess I was but really, that was just me. I can’t do boring and TNR is totally boring!

I’ll hear one way or the other about the job next week. Fingers crossed, yo!

I guess that’s just about all really. I mean, my kids are totally nuts and are driving each other crazy (and me too). Actually they’re fighting and yelling now, guess I gotta go. I will leave you with a pic (since I haven’t done that in forever). We went to the zoo yesterday to get out of the house, so here ya go:

Yeah, that was me. Pt. 2

Years ago I wrote a post that kind of made me giggle when I went back to re-read it today. I like it because it is just SO ME. You can read it here: http://thefourpates.com/2010/09/09/yeah-that-was-me/. So, I decided to do a part two today, just to get back into the blogging swing of things (and because my Ma commented that she missed me blogging (I mean, how sweet is that woman?)). Without further ado, Yeah that was me Pt. 2:

So, yeah that lady sweating profusely and turning red while Zumba’ing, that was probably me.

I was also probably that lady on the stationary bike who forgot to brush her teeth before hitting the gym at 5:30am, sue me…I’m barely awake.

Oh and the fatty in front of the fan during Zumba who accidentally tooted…yeah, that’d be me too. Just be happy I didn’t eat a bunch of eggs for my protein that day.

I’m probably also to blame for farting on the elliptical too…whoops. But everyone had in ear buds listening to music and it didn’t smell, so there’s that.

And let’s not forget that annoying sweaty lady working out her pecs who kept forgetting she wasn’t alone and had in ear buds singing a couple lines from a song, nope let’s not forget about her (cough…me).

So, yeah, that was all me but I’m also the sweatty, farty, singing lady who’s lost 23 lbs! Suck on that!

Holy crap, does this blog still work?

I mean, it’s only been a year and a half since I wrote anything. Guess that means I don’t have much of a life or a reader base anymore.

Let’s see, in the past 18 months what all has happened;
1. Stuff with kids
2. Stuff with family
3. Stuff with life

That pretty much sums that up. My kids are huge and I continuously tell my daughter to stop growing. The boy got rid of the paci and potty trained all in 6 months. I’m still a SAHM but hopefully not for too much longer. I have a job interview this week and I’d really like this job, mainly to feel like I contribute to the family and so I’m around adults again. Cross your fingers for me.

I’ve started on my weight loss journey again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, again. I KNOW! I tried to do the surgical route but my insurance decided to be assholes, so now I’m doing it the “old fashioned” way. I’ve been on the journey since early-April and I’m down 23lbs. I’m down 3 sizes and already feel better about myself. I work out 6 days a week and actually miss it if I don’t go to the gym. Which is completely 100% strange for me. My sis also now got me hooked on Zumba. I wasn’t sure I’d like it, but we went together at my gym while she was visiting and I’ve been back since (2x a week). I LOVE it. I love dancing (hello, have you read my blog?) and I feel so good/sweaty/accomplished when that hour is done. If I keep up this whole “blogging” thing that I suck at, I’m sure this will turn into a weight loss blog (yeah, another).

Family is awesome. I’ve never been happier and I love where I/we are right now. We did have a loss though. In January we had to put down our baby, Hopie, the shih-tzu. She helped me get through Avery’s (our first baby) death. Putting her down due to age and illness brought back that pain and it hurt bad. I hadn’t cried like that in a long time. We had gotten a Boston Terrier the summer before, so luckily we have her to love on, but we still miss our Hopie.

Health, eh. I’m healthier than I have been, I think. But the ankles still suck. I fell on Christmas Eve and broke a bone in my ankle and got another 3rd degree sprain. The good thing, the ER was surprisingly slow on Christmas Eve and so my wait time was nil. Saw an orthopod and was in a boot. All is well now. My RSD leg still hurts. Guess it always will. Temperature changes, socks, air, touching still suck too.

Hmpf, I guess that’s all. The way I write I may not be back until January 2014 and by then I’ll weigh 140lbs. Ha!

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

I have been sick since Christmas day. That, my dears, is almost 2 weeks…14 days of feeling like caca. I’m going to the doc in a little while, so we’ll see what he says but I’m ready to do a headectomy or maybe even a neckectomy. Sure, I wouldn’t be much fun to be around but I betcha I’d finally feel better!

Sean left yesterday and I was one of those girls that cried when he walked out the door. How sad is that? It’s not like he’ll be gone for a long time, just until Sunday and I even have plans myself it just hit me though. It seems like since we moved we’ve been so distant from each other. Stressing about the move, new job, finances, kids being sick, all of the family being sick and then the holidays have just taken a toll on us as a couple right now. When he gets home we WILL find a sitter, he’s already been asking around his coworkers if they know anyone, and we WILL go on a date. Y’all, I haven’t had a date with my husband in years and that’s not an exaggeration, it’s the honest truth. I miss him and I miss adult time. I miss eating without a kid throwing food or screaming. I miss sitting at a table that isn’t huge. I miss going to see a non-kid movie and holding hands in the theater. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids 110% (usually) and would die without them but I need time to connect with the person that gave me those kids. I totally believe that spending time away from them will make me a better mom.

Anyway, enough whining. I’m headed to the doc in a bit. Then this weekend I’m going to have FUN!